Long-distance conundrum avoids bigger issue

My partner wants to go back to school. There are many options close to where we live. But she wants to also apply to schools several hours’ drive away.

She was born and raised here. However, her family now lives in the area where she’s planning to apply. To move with her, I’d be giving up a great job, my family, and my friends.

If she stays here, she’d maintain friendships, and her relationship with me.

I love her deeply, but I feel the decision to apply far away means our commitment isn’t mutual.

She says she loves me and that it would be a sacrifice for her, too, if we were to live apart throughout her studies.

Then why not focus her applications here?

She’s always talked about wanting to eventually move to that area and I don’t want to block her dreams.

But I don’t think I’ll be able to put my life on hold while in a long-distance relationship.

And how can I be sure she’ll want to return here after school’s finished? Languishing over Long Distance

There’s an elephant in the room that you’re both avoiding discussing.

Maybe she misses her family too much, her academic ambitions are best fulfilled there or your current life together is all about you.

She’s using the application as a way to make changes.

You’re only hearing how it affects you, but not questioning what’s been bothering her where she is.

Your question whether she’d ever return, shows that, despite loving each other, something’s not bonding you two securely.

Many couples manage a few years of long-distance. They visit each other when possible, keep close online contact, and have phone sex, whatever it takes.

See a couples’ counsellor together. The bigger question is whether you can stay together anywhere, so long as you both hide from open and honest communication. My cousin unexpectedly called to ask if she and her fiancé could visit me for their honeymoon this summer (I hadn’t seen her for years).

They’re both blind, with multiple health-related issues, including her hip surgeries so she doesn’t get around well. Caught off-guard, I said yes. I have two young children, and my husband works long hours. Her mother says the couple both have very high needs, aren’t independent, but don’t realize the effort required for others to do things for them. They’d want me to chauffeur them to various local tourist attractions, shopping, dinners out, etc.

I don’t have a large enough vehicle to sit everyone, and it would be challenging to escort two blind people with mobility issues by myself, with two children tagging along. Also, my house has three floors and many stairs.

How do I tell my cousin gently that this isn’t a good idea? She shouldn’t have to forego a honeymoon because she and her husband are both disabled, but I can’t provide the attention and assistance they need. Awkward Decision

You have a good heart and understanding, so maybe there’s a possible compromise, e.g. getting services, help and volunteers through your local associations, and families helping blind people.

There may be provisions for escorted trips to the tourist sites with cars provided, at an affordable cost.

There may even be more accessible lodgings near you where they could stay, and you could organize their outings.

If you find that you still can’t get enough help to provide safety for them and comfort for you, gently say so, and offer to help them research a different honeymoon plan. Tip of the day When a stalemated discussion is a cover for deeper divisions, get couples’ counselling. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.