Your friend’s values should come first

Aweek after my friend and her boyfriend recently broke up, he asked her if she wanted to be friends with benefits.

Because of her love for him, she agreed.

While they were dating, she’d told him that she wasn’t comfortable with the idea of having sex. That’s one of the reasons that he gave when he broke up with her.

Since they became friends with benefits he’s been pressuring her into actually having sex with him.

This past weekend she finally decided that she would.

Yesterday, he blocked her on Facebook and drove away when she tried to talk to him at his car. What can I say to help her with the situation? What can she do? Confusing Breakup

She needs to stay true to herself, and he knows it.

She wasn’t ready for sex within their relationship, so he used the breakup to come up with a different approach.

She gave in . . . and he knew he’d taken advantage of her feelings for him.

She needs to think through why she’d be willing to have sex with him on those conditions, whereby he’d be free to date and have sex with others, once they were “friends.”

Tell her to re-examine her attitude toward sex, that is, whether she intends to be a virgin till marriage, or was testing his commitment to her, etc.

Then she can be very clear with him and herself about her reasons, and together they can decide whether resuming a relationship is possible. I met a man from a completely different background, who’s 11 years younger than me, divorced and has a young son.

I’m 49, in a winding-down marriage and have a daughter finishing high school.

She feels the distancing from her stepfather and is already tense about our moving again.

(I lived with another man for two years in between my marriages and we left that house too.)

But now I feel positive and excited because this younger man loves me and wants to be part of our lives. I trust him.

His upbringing was very family-oriented and we both have worked hard to succeed in our careers. My close friends have met and like him but worry that the age difference will matter and that each of us will find it hard to

handle the other’s children as they’re at such different life stages. But we’ve known each other professionally for several years and recently expressed our love and desire to be together.

I love his positive attitude, his humour and constant caring toward me.

By contrast, my first husband was selfish, my next relationship was a rushed romance that fizzled in daylight and my soon-tobe ex is controlling, demanding that everything be his way.

Can love, intelligence and determination make this work?

Third Chance?

Love can go a long way, but both of you have to be very sure that you aren’t just looking for a soft place to land.

Your daughter’s at an important age for affecting her own life choices. You want her to see you making the right one this time.

The age difference only matters if you let it.

If you worry about age, such as keeping up with women his age, or are given to jealousy, you’ll sabotage your trust in him.

Take time through the divorce process to let each of you get to know the other’s child well, and for you to know him and respect your differences a lot better too.

Tip of the day Don’t change your basic values to hold onto someone.