Funerals are not just for immediate family
Members of my family all have different religious beliefs — atheist, Unitarian, evangelical Christian and Jehovah’s Witness. My mom is the only JW. When she dies (which we hope is a long time away, but she is elderly), do we ethically have to have a Jehovah’s Witness funeral? They’re nice folks but I, and other family members, disagree with some of their theology and practice. On the other hand, they are very kind to Mom, who lives a long distance away from her family. The quick answer is yes, you do. I confess that I’m less tolerant than I used to be. Whereas in younger days I was, religiously speaking, of the “all-roads-lead-to-God” persuasion, I find these days I’m less able to tolerate nonsense, even (or especially) when it masquerades as “religious truth.” On this Easter weekend, for example, many Christian pulpits will thunder with declarations that Jesus “literally, physically” rose from the ranks of the deceased. I used to smile benignly at such rational cul-de-sacs; nowadays, not so much.
So I understand your discomfort. But your queasiness, and my own, are irrelevant to anyone but us.
Your mom is a Jehovah’s Witness, and, as a general rule, it’s fair to say that JWs are more committed to their faith than your run-of-the-mill C&E Christian. Her congregation has treated your mom kindly; indeed, since she lives so far from the rest of you, the congregation is likely, to some extent, her surrogate family. During my years in ministry, I met many older people like that. And it always struck me as unfair that, when they died, the absentee family swooped in to “abduct” the deceased, holding a funeral in a faraway city with a minister who hardly knew their name. Such insensitivity deprives close friends and fellow believers of the opportunity to honour them according to the rituals of their own tradition. So here’s what you could do. When your mom dies, invite her congregation to hold a funeral in their Kingdom Hall, according to their own rites. You, and other members of the immediate family, should attend if possible. Use that service as an occasion to thank those good people for their kindness to your mom, and even, if you can afford to do so, make a memorial donation to their church. It’s the right thing to do. Then plan a public act of remembrance for a later date, closer to where you and the rest of the family live. This is the event to which you will invite friends and more distant family members. This could be another worship service in a church of your own persuasion, or, if you’d prefer, a more secular event with lots of storytelling, hugs, laughter and tears — perhaps even a beverage of a sociable nature.
The first event would be primarily for the sake of your mom’s church community; the second would be for you, your family and friends. Just because you all love your mom doesn’t mean everyone has the same needs when she dies. Let her religious friends do what they want to do, then you do what you need to do. That way, nobody feels cheated. Send your questions to star.ethics@yahoo.ca