New relationship damaged by old pain

Jilted boyfriend’s fear of commitment means the clock is ticking for 37-year-old couple who are fighting over their future together

I’m 37, dating a 37-year-old woman for the past 18 months. Neither of us have ever been married and we do not have any children.

Our relationship began several months after my live-in girlfriend left, saying she stopped loving me.

My current girlfriend and I knew each other and even dated briefly, years ago.

I tried to take it as slow as possible considering what had happened with my ex.

However, she’s been relentlessly pushing me to live together since our eighth month of dating. I wanted to know her better. She keeps telling me her clock is ticking. I love her. However, she tends to be very critical and defensive. I stonewall when things get too heated.

Once, several months back, she actually grabbed me during a heated discussion and pushed me into the wall. I’ve never hit or verbally abused her. We didn’t speak for several days and we never really discussed it. She did apologize later. She says she loves me and wants to live with me, be married and have children with me. I feel the same. Alot of our arguments are about moving forward together. A month ago we had a huge fight and broke up. I said that our communication together was very poor and we should seek some counselling together on that. She refused.

We’ve since got back together, but I’ve been very uneasy about whether we can make this a strong relationship and move forward.

She takes antidepressants and I’m currently suffering from winterblues moodiness. Could this also be a factor of our fighting ways? Frequent Fighting You’re locked in a tug-of-war over the future. If you get that settled, communication will be easier. It may also ease depressive tendencies for both.

You love each other, yet you’re denying what she wants most, even though you say it’s what you want too. She’s left very frustrated about realistic fears regarding her biological clock. (Women can have their first babies into their 40s, but it usually gets harder to conceive past 40).

Also, you’re holding onto your old “story” of being left by your ex and that’s become unfair. It has nothing to do with this woman.

Her push toward a greater commitment was not a rushed decision after eight months’ dating, since you knew each other previously.

This relationship needs mutual commitment, soon. For it to last through the challenges of marriage and parenting together, counselling now on how to “fight fair” is a good idea — and you both need it.

Be clear that she may never push/shove you again. My best friend in college and I have been close for 10 years.

Recently, she got engaged. Then she surprised me by announcing that she chose her fiancé’s friend’s wife as her maid of honour.

I was speechless! She only met her in the past year. She didn’t even ask me to be a bridesmaid — she’s decided to not have any. Do I tell her how hurt I am? Feeling Like A Loser

She’s self-absorbed right now. Telling her you’re hurt will likely make her defensively give excuses about why she chose the other woman. Still, she should’ve been more thoughtful about including you in some way.

This will probably distance you for a while.

That’s a good thing, giving you a chance to think about whether she’s really a person you want for a lifelong friend (hopefully because of similar values).

Or, whether she was just the closest person around for the past shared experiences. Tip of the day It’s unfair to let an old failed romance shadow a current one of mutual love. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.