Understanding is the first step toward forgiveness

When we married, my wife and I were in love and created a happy life together. We had two children (now aged 7 and 5), we both had good jobs and enjoyed being parents, doing normal domestic things and being together at night. Two years ago, my wife changed. She went to therapy to deal with whatever was bothering her. Meanwhile, she surprised me with getting a tattoo, started going out at night without me and partying with friends. If I’d known she would change into this other person, I wouldn’t have married her.

Now, she’s insisted I leave the home I loved so much and we’re in the process of divorcing. Is there any hope that we can return to who we once were? Not my same wife Sometimes, there’s still hope for a couple to reunite after a split and behaviour changes, if both partners go through therapy that re-examines the past. But both must also have the will and make the effort to try again, together.

For now, it’s the children who need your focus. Try to come to amicable agreements with your wife about how to carry on with joint parenting.

Since her lifestyle has changed somewhat, you want to assure, with her, that the kids are kept comfortable and secure through their times spent with each of you.

As things settle, try to learn what prompted some of the changes in your wife — perhaps, marrying too young, restlessness, etc.

Understanding is a step toward feeling compassion and even forgiveness. What happens after that depends on whether there are any emotional ties left between you.

At the least, understanding her better allows for a healthier exspouse relationship. I love my husband of 10 years. We have three young children and agree on most things related to our home, schedules and finances. Even when we disagree on some things, we can usually work it out. But when it comes to parenting, my husband can be so extreme in his thoughts on punishment that he scares me!

In every other aspect, he’s a great father and would never harm our children. But I’m afraid one day he will go too far.

When our eldest son, who’s 9, misbehaves even mildly, my husband overreacts and threatens him with something extreme.

He’ll start to undo his belt and chase the boy, yelling.

I start to cry, as do the other kids, my son’s shrieking and the house is in chaos.

When he catches our son, he’ll take down his pants and put him over his knee, then wave the belt in his hand and say something like, “that’s what you deserve, next time this happens.”

I’ve told him it’s extreme and too frightening for us all. But he brushes me off. How can I convince him this scare tactic is wrong and that one day he’ll regret going too far? Discipline through fear These are your children, too and you have every right and need to protect them from frightening tactics and excessive discipline that amount to emotional abuse.

This isn’t about “convincing” him. It’s about insisting that he get angermanagement counselling immediately, before he resorts to physical abuse and you have to deal with children’s protection services.

His overreaction comes from somewhere deep inside — other frustrations, his upbringing — things that have nothing to do with this child.

Say that the problem is his, not the child’s. And you won’t stand for it any more.