Why I quit competing in the Parent Olympics
My parenting style can at best be called laissez-faire.
Not by my parents, who consider me unconscionably strict, with my no-screens-on-weekdays rule, and my hang-ups about junk food and bedtimes.
Yet according to the rigorous requirements of 21st-century parenting, I’m downright negligent.
For instance: I occasionally let my 11- and 8-year-old sons walk home from school by themselves. I have also been known to let them play with friends in a nearby park unsupervised for tens of minutes. And currently they are only enrolled in two after-school activities, neither of which is enriched math, science or intro to resumé writing.
Parenting seemed a lot simpler for my first-generation immigrant parents and their friends. They were so busy making their way in a new country they didn’t have the time, money or inclination for helicopter antics. After-school activities were limited. They mostly consisted of playing outside. University programs were cheaper and less competitive. No one worried about helping kids find their “passion.”
In contrast, “busy” is the mantra of modern parenting. Surrounded by choice, most parents opt for everything — all sports, all cultural and academic activities. Throw them all at your kids and see what sticks. Don’t forget to ask the experts for advice — your parents, other parents, books and anyone else with an opinion and a pulse.
I used to play this game too, until I realized I wasn’t any good at the Parent Olympics. Besides, running from work to activities all week long was making everyone tired and cranky.
“Mom, can’t we just stay home?” my older son Mustafa finally asked one day. “I just want to rest!”
So now we choose. One activity per kid per season. Sometimes even that doesn’t happen. Either way, there is plenty of time for reading and hanging out.
This delinquent parenting style might land me with two slacker kids who only ever complete math problems according to grade level, only read books that are appropriate for their age, never play for a rep sports team and persist in thinking that fart jokes are the height of sophistication.
I’ve also become choosier about the Wise Mentors I ask for advice. To qualify, they must fulfil a few criteria:
The Wise Mentors must be parents.
Their children must be a little bit older than mine. Not so much older they don’t remember the stage I am currently trying to survive, but not the same age either, lest every advice sound like smarmy judgment.
Most importantly: I don’t hate their kids.
That last one is crucial. I’m a highschool teacher, which means I come into contact with the full range of adolescent behaviour, from “please can I adopt you, also do your parents offer seminars?” to “have you been sent from the future as a warning to humanity?” My Wise Mentors have helped me keep things in perspective with their collective kernels of wisdom: 1. Tackle one area of child-improvement at a time. If your kid is struggling in a school subject, let that be your focus for the semester or year. You can’t change everything, all at once. 2. Give your kids the tools to succeed by teaching them to form the right habits and follow routines. Buy them a calendar. Show them how to make goals and stick to them. 3. Pay now or pay later. Deal with kids’ challenges as they crop up or they will haunt you. 4. Breathe. You’re doing great. Don’t yell so much. 5. Remember — if you screw up, everyone will blame you.
Parenting is a competitive sport, so make sure the family is on the same team. It also helps if everyone is playing the same game. That way, you get to make the rules . . . and cheat wildly as needed. Uzma Jalaluddin is a high school teacher in the York Region. She writes about parenting and other life adventures.