Fear is a signal it’s time to leave relationship

I’ve been dating this guy for 11 years. We broke up briefly, six years ago, then got back together and I discovered I was pregnant. It wasn’t his. My daughter’s biological father isn’t in the picture, but my boyfriend’s very good with her and loves her deeply. But I’m only 30 and feel I’m putting my life on hold, to see my daughter happy.

He’s never wanted children and never wants to get married.

He drinks very heavily, which isn’t a good example for my daughter. He’s made comments about killing me if I ever leave him and taking my daughter afterwards.

I think I’m ready to leave and finally do what’s best for me.

Yet I also feel like if I leave, I’ll never find anybody and will end up alone. I’m So Lost!

Get to counselling any way you can — through a local YWCA, a community agency, your place of faith, etc.

If this man is abusive (his threat suggests he is or can be), you will need a safe plan for leaving.

Your fear of ending up alone is self-defeating.

A professional counsellor will help you build the confidence to do what’s necessary — i.e. finding a safe place to live and getting a restraining order against him if needed.

You and your daughter both need to make your life secure, with the opportunity to find a supportive partner you enjoy. I’ve chosen three bridesmaids who’ve been my good friends for over a decade. My wedding’s soon. We’d previously planned for them to attend one of my three wedding dress fittings. When I asked the girls a month ago about the specific date, one bridesmaid said she’d get back to me because she’s been really busy lately. The other said that day was her (dating) anniversary with her boyfriend.

I said I’d drive everyone and even pay for supper! (It was my birthday the following day so I thought we could have a fun night!)

After weeks, no one said a word, so I followed up. They both said no.

I don’t have any family that I can count on, so I had to go alone. When I expressed how hurt and upset I was, they said that they’re trying their best to attend every event they can.

Now, my bachelorette party is imminent so I’m unsure what to do. I don’t feel I can let this go as I’m still deeply hurt.

And I’ve already been open with them about my feelings. I’m running out of time before the wedding. What to Do?

The dress fitting may not have been the “fun” event you’d envisioned, but it was still special, a part of your personal journey as a bride.

Don’t cloud these days and events ahead with holding onto hurts. Other people are busy and do have their own arrangements that are important to them.

They’ve all been your good friends, and say they’ll attend whatever they can.

No one else is ever as invested in the bridal activities as you will be, that’s just reality.

It seems that, without family around, you expected constant enthusiasm from friends, but that’s a setup for disappointment.

When the wedding’s over and you’re busy with married life, you’ll need them to be understanding when you’re “too busy.”

P.S. Why no mention of where the third bridesmaid was that day?

Tip of the day When the desire to leave a relationship is restrained only by fear, you’re with the wrong person. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.