> OFF THE RACK
LIFE & STYLE
Cover: It’s like a cult compound or something — seems like the extended Kardashian clan can only date someone who’s already in their household. That’s why Rob Kardashian plucked Blac Chyna out of Tyga’s recycling, and now Kendall and Kylie Jenner are both carrying on with Scott Disick. He’s their half-sister’s ex, he’s unemployed and he’s a heavy drinker — they can’t resist that forever. And it was either this or put the moves on their mother-in-law. Kanye and the killer? O.J. Simpson has a big fan in Kanye West, who has been calling him in prison and chatting about fame and, you know, that court case from the TV a while back. The victim, Nicole Brown Simpson, was a friend of Kris Jenner’s, and O.J. is up for parole next year — and if Kanye wants him to move in, no one can stop him. They just might have found a way to get you watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians again.
IN TOUCH
Cover: The tabs have been pitching Kate-vs.-Queen and preggo-Kate rumours for a couple of years, but the notion of a marital royal rumble is new. She’d like to travel less; Prince William disagrees. She wants their children to have a somewhat normal life; he doesn’t like the sound of those. She wants to renovate their homes; he likes the old ways, like having a juicer that’s really just a servant. None of this is heading toward divorce, just an exotic form of unhappiness. Dozy diva: Mariah Carey’s assistants have to do her hair, nails and makeup while she’s asleep. You can say she’s crazy, but … what about people who agree to work for her?
STAR
Cover: Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan could just both be happy they’re not on The View — we should all do the same for ourselves — but instead they’re bitterly resentful and Strahan might write a tell-all book about her and her fake smiles and phony flirtations with guests. Oh my gosh, she’s a performer? It’s a show? Can’t wait to read the chapter where he learns those people from The Brady Bunch weren’t actually related. Spicing it up: Victoria Beckham has hired a “fun team” to make her social-media presence seem interesting. Hmm, maybe working for Mariah wouldn’t be so bad . . .