Be true to yourself to ensure happiness

A Reader’s Commentary: “I want to share my personal experience with the young gay man who wanted to marry a woman to have a family (May 13).

“I was married for 19 years, now divorced for 10. In my mid-20s, someone tried to matchmake me. I thought it wouldn’t hurt to have a female friend, and we clicked.

“I had no performance issues with her because I had a very strong sex drive. Soon after we had premarital sex, I told her I was gay. She didn’t want to see me again, but I persisted. For various compelling reasons, including the possibility of having children, we married within six months. She thought she was going to change me.

“I took my relationship seriously, but I always considered myself a married, gay man. Never once did I tell myself that I was bisexual.

“We have two children together, who are now in their 20s. She lost interest in sex when the kids were in their teens.

“I was always grumpy. I wanted to remain loyal, but the desire to have gay sex was consuming me. “We made an arrangement to maintain a convenience marriage.

“A year or two later, she called a lawyer. The separation was acrimonious. I tried very hard, but she just wanted more and more.

“Custody and support of the children was never an issue though. At the end, she received a very generous settlement from me, worth far more than what was required by law.

“I’ve since been in a relationship with a divorced man of similar age. All my family and my children know about it and have accepted it well.

“I continued to be nice to my ex. It took a long time, but she has stopped hating me, so we are now friends. I find myself a happier person and consider myself fortunate.

“Even though I tell myself that I don’t regret having gotten married, I wouldn’t say I would do it again.

“It is not just about a selfish desire to have children.

“It is about your happiness, your partner’s well-being and the children you bring into this world.

“The world is a much different place than 30 years ago — many jurisdictions now allow gay couples to have children through surrogacy or adoption.

“So why engage in an experiment that’s going to ruin your life and others’?”

Reader #2: “One of my daughters is gay and married to a lovely woman. “They’ve been together 15 years. “Early in their relationship, they decided they wanted to have a child.

“They also wanted their child to have fathers as well as mothers. They set about finding a suitable male couple who wanted the same thing.

“Eventually, my daughter gave birth to a little girl. A couple of years later, all four parents agreed that they wanted another child and my daughter-in-law gave birth to a son.

“The children are now 12 and 10. This is a most remarkable family and the four parents have always worked together raising the children.

“The dads are involved in every aspect of the children’s life and the children spend time in both homes. They have a very large family circle of grandparents (four sets), aunts, uncles and cousins. Their lives are very fulfilling and happy, and the children are highly intelligent and very well adjusted.

“I hope the man who wrote to you finds an equally satisfying and fulfilling life, without feeling he has to marry a woman to achieve it.”

Tip of the day What matters most in raising children is a healthy, loving environment. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.