Unhappy marriages can’t be fixed in silence
I’m in an unhappy marriage, but there are children involved. I’ve tried everything to make a good family life, but my husband isn’t affectionate by nature and I seem to crave affection.
I fear that my children will grow up with this blueprint of a marriage that lacks affection, fun and friends.
He has many good qualities, but is a very poor communicator. He hasn’t even broached the subject of intimacy in our marriage, as if this is quite normal. It’s not healthy.
I’ve met someone who’s everything I would want — funny, affectionate and social. He was my friend and I’ve enjoyed laughing over tea with him, etc.
He does however talk a lot about himself and is always very busy.
I feel my husband hasn’t a clue that I’m unhappy, but when talking to my friend, I realized I could be happy with someone else. I just don’t want to pretend to love someone anymore. Please advise me. Needing Affection, Laughter and More
Living unhappily has naturally preoccupied your thoughts. Unfortunately, it’s led you to look for an escape, rather than deal with the issues.
If your husband has no clue how you feel, then he’s not the only poor communicator.
So too, if there’s little intimacy, he’s not the only one who’s not addressing this.
You may feel you’ve tried. But here’s a reality check:
Until you speak up about what you want and need, until you suggest couples’ counselling and/or go yourself, you haven’t tried “everything.”
Turning to another man because you can laugh with him and he has some qualities you like is only a distraction.
You could as likely end up with someone else who’s not as affectionate as you want, because he’s selfinterested and too busy.
Meanwhile, you’re rightly concerned about your children. Perhaps you will one day decide to split from their father.
But doing so without counselling and without first trying your hardest to resolve your marital problems is no better blueprint for them regarding their own relationships. There’s a recurring situation in a couple of my relationships: I’m friends with someone who’s friends with another person who strongly dislikes me. Example: A friend whom I see weekly has another female friend who dislikes me so much she won’t even join us for coffee.
This really disturbs me. If I had a friend who was so harsh toward someone I liked, I’d distance myself from them.
So I’m losing respect for my friend who’s “in the middle.” I’d never deliver an ultimatum, but it’s becoming difficult for me to maintain the friendship.
Is there another way to approach this?
I know we can’t be liked by everyone, but to have someone dislike you this much is really hurtful. No Coffee
A good friend wouldn’t tell you that her other friend deeply dislikes you. She’d meet with this person separately and avoid having to explain why.
Your “friend” is who’s upsetting you.
She exhibits the schoolyard behaviour of “frenemies” . . . a tactic that insecure young people sometimes use to keep a friend to themselves.
Don’t put up with it. Since this has happened “a couple of times,” look to what’s common between the two separate friends who dealt with you this way.
You may need to be more selective in your friendships and, for example, avoid cliques and look for down-to-earth loyal people, not just popular types or instant friendships.
If it happens again, talk to someone very close or to a counsellor to probe why they think it’s happening.
Tip of the day You can’t resolve an unhappy marriage by staying silent or by distraction. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.