Stumped: Vinay Menon offers Trump four fundraising ideas for the campaign.
How will this candidate win the White House without enough cash to open a McDonald’s?
Dear Mr. Trump: It’s been one year since my last letter. I trust you are well and not dumpster diving for cans of tuna or planning to cash in your old gold or limbering up to dance the Funky Chicken for wooden nickels down by the Mar-a-Lago patio. But you can understand my concern. It hasn’t been a bigly week, as you might say. Your troubles now seem yuge. You fired your campaign manager, that Corey fellow who resembles a mortician strung out on benzodiazepine. You hit send on your first fundraising email, one that ended with this curious postscript: “Remember, I will PERSONALLY match your donation, but we must receive it WITHIN THE NEXT 48 HOURS.”
Are you trying to raise money or start a Ponzi scheme?
PERSONALLY, I wish you had stayed clear of the all-caps and fake deadlines. Those flourishes only betray DESPERATION. Then again, after your financial filings on Monday, perhaps it’s wise to PANIC.
I don’t get it. You obviously know how to make money. You’re a billionaire. You have staffers who do nothing except spritz your hair with essential pumpkin oils. You decompress each night by gorging on well-done sirloin while dry-humping a stack of Atlas Shrugged paperbacks.
So how is it possible that, heading into war with Crooked Hillary, you have less than $1.3 million in the bank? How will you win the White House when you don’t have enough cash to open a McDonald’s franchise in Newark? Who will be producing your attack ad? The Salvation Army?
And how many undecided voters will you reach when your one ad runs after a psoriasis infomercial at 4:03 a.m. on a local affiliate in Toledo? Sir, that’s all you can afford right now. But do not GIVE UP. You’ve achieved astonishing success by violating every rule of politics and COMMON SENSE.
Screw the big establishment donors you gleefully mocked for months and then sheepishly courted on Wednesday.
You just need four new fundraising ideas going forward: 1. The Charitable Tearjerker (July) Why should dogs and impoverished kids in the Third World be the only ones to benefit from 1-800 telethons? Picture this: we create short videos in which you’re standing in the ruins of a bankrupt casino. You are shirtless and filthy.
Your eyes are impassive, even as flies land near them. A hugely depressing Sarah McLachlan song plays in the background. The voiceover begins: “For just pennies a day, you can help little Donnie escape the shadow of Chapter 11 and realize his dream of ruling the free world, and building walls that are eventually vapourized when he starts a nuclear war over Maki rolls. Won’t you please give now?” 2. The Sex Tape (August) As Kim Kardashian can tell you, a deftly timed and mysteriously released bit of carnal footage can balloon a bank account overnight. The key is who appears with you. So? You need to make urgent inroads with females and Hispanic voters, right? You have a personal policy of mating only with hotties, right? Do I have to spell this out? Let’s begin back-channel negotiations right now and be willing to throw in the vice-presidency if Salma Hayek’s first reaction is to projectile vomit. 3. The Emergency Crowdfunding (September) While grovelling for cash like a swamp hobo, you also need to capture the hearts and minds of young voters who right now believe your entire campaign is an extended episode of a top secret MTV prank show. Kickstarter will achieve both. It will help you track backers, pledge totals and days to go until the election. You can even incentivize donations by setting reward thresholds and giving away merchandise, such as the thousands of “Make America Great Again” caps that are now destined to clog up bandwidth on eBay after Nov. 8. 4. The Last Ditch Auction (October) You keep saying you’ll self-fund if need be. Do you have the cash flow? No. What you do have is material assets and a mountain of tacky crap that can be liquidated. Did Ted Nugent ever give you an assault rifle? Sell it before it ends up in an evidence bag. What about the knock-off cuff links you’ve doled out as wedding gifts to people like Charlie Sheen? Sell your entire stash of cubic zirconia. Sell your private plane, your hotels, your spare toupées, your ex-wives, your old disco records, your silk ties hand-stitched by the Keebler Elves. Sell everything.
This is do or die. #TrumpSoPoor is still trending. You didn’t spend a life bragging about how rich you are only to be blindsided by imminent poverty.