Help your spouse in taking next career step
My husband, who’s in his late 30s, doesn’t want to work.
He’s well educated and extremely bright, but he made a terrible mistake in his previously successful business, which ended in a bankruptcy. Now he won’t start another business or take a job. He won’t even talk about it. My parents are supporting us financially, for which I’m very grateful. We have one child, age 3. I work part time, but can’t easily find a full-time job here. I was once very proud of my husband’s abilities and still feel love for him, but I’m losing all respect. What should I do? Lost Business
There’s much more at stake here than business — your marriage and your own drive.
Your husband has lost all his confidence, your parents have become rescuers and you’re watching from the sidelines.
Instead, you need to be proactive and try to come up with a plan, hopefully together.
Your husband can benefit from career counselling.
A professional’s assessment of his talents and skills can reignite his interest in getting back to work that motivates him.
It’d be a new beginning, not a retread of whatever his “mistake” was (most successful business people will tell you they’ve made plenty of them).
Meanwhile, you could consider your participation with him in starting something new, even if he’s also working at a job to build up your finances.
In time, slowly withdraw from being financially supported by your parents, and rather enjoy their emotional support to you both, along with your child.
If none of the above works, get to a counsellor yourself to consider your feelings about all this, and your options.
My only sibling died two weeks ago. I found out three days after his death. I hadn’t known he was sick with cancer for over a year.
He didn’t tell me, nor did his girlfriend or our cousin, who both knew.
We never had a close relationship, but he was still my brother, and I’m upset and annoyed that nobody, including him, told me. If I had known, I would have reached out to him, even though we hadn’t spoken in five years.
He’d been verbally and emotionally abusive to me for most of my life, but I would’ve put that aside and given it another try, if only I had known.
I understand that I can’t change the past, but I need some words of advice on how to get past this and not feel as lousy as I do.
He really didn’t like me much and I doubt he left me a dime, and I’m OK with that.
It’s being left out of the loop that has me upset. Any chance I had to reach out and make amends was denied to me, and I feel awful about it. Broken Hearted
Your brother’s silence about his cancer is not a surprise — not after five years of no contact.
But the impact on you of your past relationship, and of his previous abuse, is what needs to be addressed. It requires the help of a therapist for you to understand what circumstances played a part and that it was not your fault.
“Giving it another try” may not have been possible, no matter his health.
A therapist will also help you deal with your grief, which is natural no matter what kind of relationship you had.
You may have missed the funeral, but you haven’t missed the chance to mourn the past and move forward.
Tip of the day Work on the family’s financial problems as a team, rather than keep depending on parents. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.