Don’t lead on someone who is vulnerable

I’ve been friends with this guy for almost four years. He and his dad are on bad terms, so for the past 18 months, my family’s been helping him out and letting him live here — fulltime at first and now several days a week.

I see him a lot, but lately, everything he’s been doing has been annoying to me.

When he and I first met, he’d told me he had a crush on me, so we dated for a while; but I ended it after a few months. Afew months later, he told me he loves me, but I didn’t feel the same. At the two-year mark, when he was practically living with me, we started dating again for al- most a year. It was a stupid decision on my part.

Now it’s almost a year since we dated and had sex. I don’t know why I did it because I know he’s in love with me and I’m honesty starting to just HATE him so much. It was wrong of me to lead him on at all and now I feel like I’m never going to be out of the friendship. He’s asked me what I thought of him, and I replied, “I think of you as a friend. Nothing more,” to which he replied, “thank you.”

But the truth is I think of him as the annoying boy who my family supports occasionally.

But if I were to tell him this, I’m afraid he’ll try to kill himself again.

And it’s unfair to tell him because he’s not doing anything wrong and he already has a hard enough life. What should I do? Messed Up

You’re confusing being annoyed with yourself with annoyance and dislike for this guy, and that IS unfair.

As you’ve said, he has a hard enough life. But that doesn’t mean you owe him sex, love or lies.

The situation isn’t just between you two. He’s become part of your family (through their kindness and generosity) and that’s what you can say, gently:

You see him as you would a brother. You want him to be happy, but you can’t be in a relationship with him.

Be busy (but not cold) with your own friends and interests and try not to hang out alone with him.

You don’t have to hate him or be nasty in order to never again lead him on with flirting, neediness or sex. Reader’s commentary: “I was a stay-at-home dad.

“I took advantage of an early retirement opportunity at age 50 to look after my sons, then ages 3 and 12.

“I was a big part of the toddler’s daily routine, helping at preschool and later volunteering at his grade school.

“My situation was particularly unusual given my age difference with other moms, who viewed me with suspicion.

“Since I had no intentions of returning to work, I found intellectual stimulation through volunteering with a retiree organization and also as a scout leader.

“I became more involved in my sons’ daily lives and in decisions about school activities and was able to attend all school events.

“I was also able to pay attention and support my older son’s activities through teenage years and postsecondary education choices.

“It was a unique experience that most parents wouldn’t be able to have, as I had both resources and time.

“It enabled my wife to achieve success at work by affording her time and freedom. And it probably imprinted a lot of my own values on my kids.”

You don’t have to hate him or be nasty in order to never again lead him on with flirting, neediness or sex

Tip of the Day

Leading on someone who’s already very vulnerable can have devastating results. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.