What to do about a wedding’s ‘ex’ factor
Etiquette experts weigh in on when you should invite former flame to the big day
“So, the next time I’ll see you, you’ll be a married woman,” Jennifer’s first love said to her when she ran into him recently at her best friend’s wedding. The mood was tense. The invites to Jennifer’s own wedding in early August had gone out a couple weeks earlier.
Jennifer, 29, (who asked her last name not be used to protect the privacy of her fiancé and ex) and her partner of eight years are friends with her ex, who she casually dated in 2008. At first, it was no question that they’d include him in their wedding — the three of them all started hanging out together in 2010 and are great friends now. But in the end, they decided to cut her first love.
“Right when we got engaged, my fiancé and I wrote down names of people we wanted to invite and tried to come up with a number. We have a lot of friends coming from all over the place and my first love was on the first draft list. But later in the evening, my fiancé asked why I want to invite him and it got me thinking,” Jennifer said.
“I originally wanted him there because I respect him, but I felt that it would be weird for him. I don’t want to make it uncomfortable for either of us. We’re in a really good place and I don’t want to tamper with that.”
When it comes to wedding-day etiquette, fewer conundrums are as tough: Do you invite your ex?
Melissa Andre, creator of Melissa Andre Events who has planned the weddings of former Blue Jay Roberto Alomar, NHLer Mike Cammalleri and Olympic gold medallist Jennifer Botterill, said, “Couples often fall into this place of feeling guilty for not inviting people that once had a big presence in their life. But it’s really about that moment and celebrating your union.”
So what does she advise her clients who are playing eeny-meeny-miny-moe with their guest list?
“Check with your fiancé. Anyone you both want there to celebrate your union should be invited. The whole reason you’re there is to celebrate your forever relationship,” Andre said, adding both partners have to feel comfortable and agree who they both want there.
But other couples still struggle with proper invite protocol. Kai, 30, and Peter, 50, (whose names have been changed to respect the privacy of their exes) were two Toronto grooms who wed earlier this year.
Kai is 20 years Peter’s junior, and jokes that Peter is like Elizabeth Taylor when it comes to exes.
“My husband is loyal to a fault, so he felt the need to invite all his exes because he maintained a relationship with them,” said Kai, who himself has cut ties and had clean breaks with his own exes.
One ex, who Peter once lived with, politely declined via email saying he was thrilled to get the invitation and is happy for him, but feels it’s best that the day is for Kai and Peter to enjoy together. Peter wrote him back saying they should do lunch after the wedding, and they left it at that.
But then there were others: One they invited after hearing he told mutual friends he’d be devastated if he wasn’t included. Another Peter wanted to include because things didn’t end well and he wanted to use the wedding to make amends.
“He’s not ready to be social yet with my husband,” Kai said.
According to Andre, Peter made the right decision in the end. “One of the things about weddings is that people tend to invite people they aren’t usually in touch with or they haven’t spoken to in three years. Don’t put someone in the category of ‘I should invite this person because I know them,’ ” she said.
So what do you do when you are the recipient of an invite to an ex’s wedding, other than alert the presses and try to grasp how you feel about the situation with family and friends?
Charles MacPherson, author of The Butler Speaks and The Pocket Butler, runs down invite etiquette: If you make the cut, use your discretion as to whether or not you’d feel comfortable being there.
“If you are invited to an ex’s wedding — just like any other invitation — you are never obligated to go,” MacPherson said.
He suggests reaching out to the party you’re friends with or were once close to and wish them the best.
“If you’re not invited, you’re not invited. It could be a small family event, budget issue or a spouse does not want you there. If you keep in touch, absolutely send a note of congratulations as that is never wrong or out of fashion,” he said.
So how did Jennifer’s ex react? With absolute class, she says.
“He told me that he can’t believe I’m getting married so soon and told me that I deserved this happiness more than anyone, which really meant a lot,” she said. “It was emotional and more than I expected. But we acknowledged that. He was happy for me, but you could sense that this wasn’t how he wanted things to play out.”
The interaction reassured her that she made the right decision to exclude him from the guest list.
“I don’t think it would be a fun experience for him at the wedding and it would realistically be a little bit uncomfortable for me. I’d feel badly in a way for him, because everyone would be there celebrating me as a couple with someone else.”
In the end, MacPherson said, the choice is personal.
“Exes can be an uncomfortable situation for all. The bride, groom and the ex. It’s about mixed feels, jealousies and awkward moments for all,” he said. “It is always best to avoid these invitations, with the exception when, as a threesome, you are all sincerely really good friends.”