Focus on son if Dad starts to back off

My ex-husband has stopped seeing our son, age 10, because he’s “too busy” with his son, age 2, from his new marriage.

My son’s deeply hurt and misses his father, who, despite our marital problems when together, was a decent father. Our mutual friends blame his new wife, who doesn’t want him to have anything to do with his past family.

But I feel that’s not an excuse; he could stand up to her regarding his son. But what do I say to my son, who’s starting to act out in school and is often moody at home? He used to always be upbeat and well-behaved. I knew when I separated that there’d be tough times, but I never thought my ex would abandon his own child. Disgusted and Concerned

Focus on what you can do for your son. Be understanding of his behaviour and moods, but not indulgent of them.

Explain some of what’s going on in his life to the school principal and his teacher.

Be encouraging and positive with him about his abilities and friendships, because his father’s distancing may have him doubting himself.

Get him together with any positive male role models in his life — an uncle, grandfather and close family friend. Keep him actively involved with sports he likes and other interests, such as after-school clubs, teams or weekend outings.

If you have a chance to speak to your ex without rancour, simply say that his son misses him and the good times they had together. Consider suggesting that he take both his sons out together sometimes, so long as your boy is agreeable to that (and if the new wife will allow it). My mother has always struggled with severe alcoholism.

My father pays for her alcohol and cigarettes, as she doesn’t work. He doesn’t want to go through a costly divorce knowing she’d take everything from him.

She and I didn’t get along whatsoever when I was in my teens and I moved out at 19. I was really happy on my own, even though I struggled working part-time and putting myself through college. My dad helped me as much as he could. I then moved home because I had an opportunity to get a better job after college and couldn’t afford rent and a necessary vehicle. I give my mother rent money, but I’ll stay at my boyfriend’s house frequently, though he lives at home while still at school.

However, I can’t stand to see my mother intoxicated and talking nonsense anymore. She refuses to go to rehab.

She drinks daily, picks fights with my dad and me, so I avoid the house while he avoids her after work. When I know she’s had a drink, I feel intense rage.

Yet I may be here for at least another year and half.

How can I live with an alcoholic who doesn’t believe she has a problem? I hate my mother and fear that once I move out again, I’ll never want to talk to her again. Alcoholic Mother

Beware of hatred — it can eat into all your emotions and instincts.

It’s tough to live with an alcoholic mother, and that’s why Al-Anon has been so effective providing support and understanding to family and close friends dealing with an alcoholic. Attend a local group meeting and learn how others have handled their situation, what boundaries they’ve been able to set, etc. Your father would also benefit from attending and may go with you. Tip of the day When a child’s parent is distant, the other must give strong support and encouragement. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.