Take time to reflect when a partner cheats

My boyfriend cheated on me a week ago. He said it wasn’t planned.

He took this girl to a hotel room. He said that they both got naked but he just couldn’t go through with it. I don’t know what to believe. He’s been trying to get back together and says the experience opened his eyes — he doesn’t want other girls or the single life. I moved out of my place where I was living with him and want to go back, but I’m scared it’ll be to broken promises.

I believe the relationship’s worth saving. What should I do? Still a Cheater?

If it’s your place, he moves out now. You both need a break.

It’s too easy to accept his story that he didn’t want to cheat and never will again.

Yet he did meet up with another woman, he did check into a hotel room and he did get naked with her.

So whether it was guilt, or booze, or limpness that made him stop, he stepped away from your relationship.

Now you need to step back long enough to find out why.

His wanting you back isn’t enough. He must explain what was in his mind leading up to that night, about wanting “other girls and the single life.”

What does he see for your future together? Have you shared longterm plans?

He started this discussion through his straying, and you need answers.

Also, ask yourself some hard questions: Have you been accepting less than what you want from him to not rock the boat? Have you avoided asking for a commitment, rather than scare him away?

This is a turning point for your relationship — whether to improve it, or end it.

You may also need counselling together to come up with the answers. Feedback: Regarding the friend’s advice to “Naive” to regularly snoop to see if her husband’s cheating (June 9): Reader #1: “Marriage is based on an agreement to share life and have faith in each other.

“My wife of 30 years believed, ‘I don’t get mad, I get even’ rather than, ‘have faith, trust in your partner, talk troubles through and come together.’

“Naive knows her partner better than her friend does, and should talk with her partner about any uncertainties.

“It’s not always men who stray. My wife was distracted by someone else’s husband during a stressful time.

“I dealt with it badly and she felt she shouldn’t forgive me, or herself.

“Our good marriage was ended without us making the effort to repair it.

“Homes, kids, peoples’ lives suffered as a result.

“Naive should discuss her friend’s views with her partner, openly. Resist snooping.” Reader #2: “After 30-plus years of fully trusting my husband’s explanations when late or away, I discovered he was having an affair with a much younger woman.

“There’d been some distancing between us. I now know that was his way of not being ‘ tripped up.’

“It was also a way to ‘justify’ his affair to himself.

“Though we eventually stayed together, I now question his faithfulness throughout our marriage.

“I’m positive this wasn’t his first affair. I’ll never feel the same about him again, though I try to move forward.

“Would I have been better off snooping earlier in our marriage?

“It likely would’ve meant a divorce. Maybe I would’ve found someone with more integrity and honesty. Maybe not.

“But I mistakenly put full faith in him and in hindsight, I shouldn’t have.”

If your partner cheats, you need to take a step back from the relationship and find out why before taking them back

Tip of the day A partner’s moves to cheat shows the relationship needs a rethink from both of you. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.