Beware the Celebrity Carat Curse
Fancy engagements don’t always lead to happily ever after
When Miranda Kerr dined out over the weekend, cameras pointed at her finger.
“Miranda Kerr Steps Out With Engagement Ring After Evan Spiegel Proposes,” reported Us Weekly, as if the ring had its own seat at the table and ordered the first round of Veuve Clicquot.
Entertainment Tonight went with: “Miranda Kerr Flashes Engagement Ring at Dinner With Snapchat Billionaire Fiancé Evan Spiegel and Friends.” TMZ, always eager to find a fresh angle, covered The Ring by fixating on the skimpy outfit Kerr wore on Saturday night: “Miranda Kerr damn near upstaged her own engagement ring from billionaire Evan Spiegel by stepping out in a VERY mini dress.”
“Don’t get us wrong . . . the round-cut diamond is big and impressive — Evan’s worth $2 billion, after all. But those legs ain’t too shabby either.” Duly noted, TMZ. It’s been less than one week since the Victoria’s Secret model announced her engagement to the social media titan just like our grandparents once did: via an Instagram post enhanced with integrated, cross-platform Bitmoji. Since then, The Ring has probably hired a team of publicists to handle the media circus.
It’s been called “gorgeous” or “stunning” more times than Donald Trump has been called “dangerous” or “insane.”
E! Online compared The Ring to The Old Ring that Kerr’s former soul mate Orlando Bloom forklifted onto her finger in 2010.
People described the new 2.5-carat “round centre stone flanked on both sides by a tapered diamond baguette” as “understated,” which is a bit like calling a Bugatti Chiron “practical.”
Kerr isn’t the only celebrity to be ringing in the ring news this month.
Pippa Middleton is also now far less likely to be sucked into outer space should there be a glitch with Earth’s gravitational pull after her wealthy fiancé James Matthews weighed her down with a diamond that’s bigger than a field mouse.
In one post-engagement snap that circled the planet soon after the happy news, Middleton is photographed while out for a jog in London. She is wearing a big smile, pink running shorts, a white tank top, Nike baseball cap and, according to Yahoo Style, a “dazzling Art Deco-inspired Asscher cut engagement ring, which reportedly cost upward of $260,000.”
It looks like she’s running out of a cave with a miner’s light on her left fist.
While Kerr and Middleton are no doubt thrilled to be engaged — hearty congratulations to both — they should also be mindful of what we can now safely call The Celebrity Carat Curse.
The underlying theory goes something like this: a) celebrity couples most eager to publicly show off connubial symbols of wretched excess are also the ones most likely to break up in the future.
That is because, b) the psychological impetus to buy and display preposterous finger jewelry always points to a spiritual void that is not yet fully grasped by these ungrounded celebrity couples. That is because, c) they believe size matters and, d) don’t realize how they are inadvertently monetizing their love in a way that will negatively impact all future emotional transactions during times of marital stress and quotidian discord.
And here I will bring in the sociological findings from a recent Entertainment Tonight slideshow. Well, look at that. Seal once bought Heidi Klum a “10-carat canary diamond engagement ring.” Marc Anthony once proposed to Jennifer Lopez with an “8.5-carat blue diamond ring.”
Then there was the “5-carat ovalshaped diamond” Tom Cruise chucked at Katie Holmes and the “10.43 carat” monstrosity Nick Young gave to Iggy Azalea and the “14-carat ring” Mike Comrie stickhandled to Hilary Duff and also the 14-carat ring Chad Kroeger gave to Avril Lavigne.
Question: What do all of these couples have in common?
Answer: They are no longer couples.
If celebrities really want to make the world a better place, as they occasionally claim, they could start by taking a stand against ostentatious engagement rings. Or maybe even start a new trend: no engagement rings.
No ring means one less asset to divvy up when the relationship goes over a cliff. No ring lessens the pressure on mere mortals who may find themselves roaming a discount diamond emporium with a $500 budget and Ciara expectations.
We already know who is with whom in Hollywood. Give your ring money to charity and invest in all of the things — love, respect, happiness — that can’t be bought. vmenon@thestar.ca