A SISTERHOOD OF SURROGATES
Women united by their dream of bearing the children of strangers
At 10:03 p.m. on July 24, first-time surrogate Sherri-Lyn Cranston, 29, took to Facebook to type three little words sure to raise the heartbeat of any expectant woman: “My water broke!”
Two weeks before, Cranston had been discussing her impending due date with 25 other surrogates at a weekend retreat in rural southwestern Ontario.
With baby bumps decorated in intricate Indian henna designs and many of the women sporting flower crowns as they wandered through the surrounding woodland chatting about their jobs, surrogate pregnancies and their own families, the grounds were humming with earth mother vibes.
Onlookers might think the women had known each other for years. But their relationships developed online where these self-dubbed “surro sisters” forge deep emotional bonds, rooted in the service they provide to parents in need of children.
“We share our lives with one another,” says three-time surrogate Jennifer Robichaud, 35. “We all come together for one another. It’s a sisterhood that no one will understand unless you are a surrogate. This is truly one of the best things I have done with my life.”
These new-found friends share remarkable intimacy spanning the extremes of human emotion. From moments of spontaneous exhilaration when pregnancies or births are announced, to the devastation of learning that children they agreed to carry for others have been lost to miscarriage.
The depth of their bond is evidenced in their responses to posts, like Cranston’s.
Immediately after her ‘baby’s coming’ bulletin goes up online, the congratulatory messages flood in as the news reaches dozens of surrogates spread across six time zones.
“Woohooo!!!! Wishing a speedy and safe delivery!!!” writes one surrogate from just outside Ottawa.
“Ooooh exciting!!! Keeping you all in my thoughts tonight,” writes another, moments later, from Victoria.
The reaction and outpouring of support is indicative of the tone of the forum.
“At any time of day, if a question or anxiety comes up, you have so many ears that will listen and offer advice and experience,” reflects Cranston two days after giving birth. “I had one of my close surrogate friends come visit me in the hospital after delivering (this) surrobabe.”
For every event in the surrogate’s pregnancy, her sisters show up in force: armed with advice, support and living by an unwritten code to leave no surrogate behind. And, when a new member may be in doubt about navigating the ups and downs of synthetic pregnancies, plumbing problems and carrying babies for strangers, the sisterhood sticks to their motto: “nothing is too much information.”
“It’s not just the fact that I lost them, it’s letting down their parents as well. The moms that come to surrogates already went through this pain of loss.” TERRILYN MEEHAN WITH HER FAMILY. THE NEWFOUNDLAND SURROGATE MISCARRIED TWINS TWO WEEKS AGO
The breakdown
I understand my (intended parents) are very eager to get started, no doubt.
But they don’t consult in me before booking things, and I just feel they are very pushy.
I feel trapped. They have already paid for some tests. I feel like I owe them this child now. I hate this feeling . . . Seven Laville already has three children under the age of 5.
But, inspired by a friend who pursued surrogacy, the 25-year-old married Montreal woman decided to offer up her body to a couple who wanted a child they couldn’t have on their own.
“I’ve had three very easy pregnancies. I love being pregnant. It just seemed appealing to me.”
Then, according to Laville, things started going wrong. For privacy reasons, the Star cannot be given the intended parents’ names and therefore could not contact them for comment to independently confirm this account.
“The (intended parents) started phoning me four or five times a day,” she says. “They would always hassle me to get appointments moved up.”
Her doctors suggested she begin no sooner than nine months after her last child, who is only five months old.
“(That) didn’t please the intended parents,” according to Laville. “They wanted sooner. So without my consent they changed doctors and clinics, the new clinic being one hour farther for me to travel.”
Laville went to one appointment with a new doctor who made the same suggestion to hold off for a few months before being impregnated.
Again, she says the intended parents told her they would find another doctor to avoid the wait.
“I suddenly realized they did not have my best interest or health in mind,” she says. “My husband reflected on all this and decided he is not supportive of this any longer. He felt it was too soon and the couple were too insistent, it just didn’t feel right.”
When Laville posted her experience to the chat forum, surrogates had her back.
“I would be upset,” said one response. “I think if you’re already feeling betrayed by them it might be best to seek another couple. . . . Don’t feel forced to stay.”
Another advised: “My darling, if they are that pushy now they will only get worse. Trust me, you don’t want to end up having intended parents like that. Put your foot down. . . . You have to talk to these people every day for a year.”
Laville told the parents she was pulling out last week.
At first, she says they tried to change her mind. She declined. Laville says they then wanted to be reimbursed, which she was, “in no position to do with three kids and on maternity leave.”
Sally Rhoads-Heinrich, who owns the surrogacy agency Surrogacy in Canada Online that Laville used, says such disputes are rare.
“(Intended parents) have to take these risks,” she says. “There are no penalties to the surrogate as she has every right to terminate or withdraw at any time.”
Laville says the experience has scared her from trying surrogacy again. “I will not retry. I am frightened now.” The joys This is the happy face of a surrogate who just saw the most beautiful uterus she’s ever seen!
Alongside that note, last week, Ottawa surrogate Shell Patton posted a selfie image to her group of Facebook sisters featuring a broad smile.
Her test results showed her body is ready to undergo a second surrogacy.
The 31-year-old mother of two — aged 8 and 6 — gave birth to twins last year for a same-sex couple in Atlantic Canada who needed her help.
She’s planning to do it again for the same couple. With the positive test results, her embryo transfer will now take place in early August, she says.
Surrogacy has become a regular part of her life.
Before helping the same-sex couple she’s now working with, Patton tried to help another couple in Montreal. After two unsuccessful embryo transfers, the couple decided to adopt instead.
The Facebook surrogacy group she monitors was a place of connection during her first surrogacy. She’s back again now.
“We followed each others’ journey until the end,” she says. “I have a girl from work who is in the group . . . I do have her to confide in and hopefully be pregnant with.”
Patton’s husband of 11 years is also supportive of her ongoing commitment to having babies for others, she says.
Her parents were cold to the idea at first, but have gradually come around. Her in-laws, however, have largely ignored her surrogacy.
“They are less than thrilled,” she says. “There’s no support there.
But I have amazing (intended parents) and a patient husband. And my kids. My daughter has been my biggest cheerleader. She would rub my belly and sing to them. And she was always happy to explain to people that her mommy is so awesome, she is helping two boys have a baby.”
For Patton, surrogacy’s rewards transcend the monetary. “I do not believe in being paid to do it.”
In countries with commercial surrogacy, such as the U.S., surrogates can earn tens of thousands of dollars for their services, creating a system in which only the wealthy can afford to have a child, Patton says.
“That’s not fair. The average person can’t afford all the treatments plus a $25,000 fee.” The heartbreak Heartbroken to say the least. The babies have decided not to grow and they have no heartbeat. I am to stop all meds and miscarriage.
Anyone who has gone through this can you please tell me what to expect. It is every mother’s worst fear. Only for Terrilyn Meehan, a Newfoundland surrogate and mother of four, news of her miscarriage of twins two weeks ago brought tragedy for two families.
“It’s not just the fact that I lost them, it’s letting down their parents as well,” Meehan says of the heterosexual Toronto couple who entrusted her to deliver their child. “The moms that come to surrogates already went through this pain of loss I can’t imagine.”
It’s a sad but unavoidable reality of the surrogacy industry. Despite the advanced science, the economic in- vestment of hopeful parents and the goodwill of surrogates, from time to time, it just doesn’t work
When that happens, the sisterhood shows up in force to rally for the hurting surrogate whose devastation is palpable even thousands of miles away and through a computer screen.
“Oh no . . . so sorry to hear this,” came one in a steady string of sympathetic responses to Meehan on the surrogates’ Facebook page. “We are all here for you.”
Another wrote: “Thinking of you and your (intended parents). Make sure to reach out to us whenever you need, and know you’re not alone.”
Sally Rhodes-Heinrich says there’s no shortage of fellowship among the women when things go wrong.
“Intended parents typically send flowers to their surrogate. If the loss is late term we often visit with the surrogate or bring meals over as a group.
On top of the emotional and physical trauma is a surrogate’s added guilt.
“I have one parent’s heartbreak burned into my head for the rest of my life, when we had a failed transfer,” recalls Jennifer Robichaud. “I was so devastated. In my head all I could hear was you failed, you failed them. This is what some surrogates go through on a journey: they don’t blame the IVF treatment, they don’t blame the embryos, they blame themselves. Even if we do everything right, sometimes, things just don’t work out and that’s no one’s fault.”
“I can totally relate,” one surrogate told Meehan in one of the comment threads. “For me it was guilt, I felt mega guilt.”
As the messages of support flowed in, Meehan seemed to find some peace in the community of shared experience: “I totally feel guilty but I know I did everything I could . . . The next few days will be hard but I am truly thankful that I have all you awesome ladies to lean on.”
After some thoughtful reflection, she’s decided to try again eventually.
“Putting myself back out there. Really scared and nervous this time.”
And, like anyone who has ever taken a hard knock in life, Meehan turns to her family in times like this. Her posted pledge to continue on the surrogacy path ended with a simple plea: “Any tips ladies??”
Within minutes the group was alight with full-throated calls of support, advice and encouragement from her sisters.
“I suddenly realized they did not have my best interest or health in mind. . . . I will not retry. ” SEVEN LAVILLE AND HER CHILDREN. LAVILLE PULLED OUT OF SURROGACY FOR A COUPLE WHO WERE “TOO INSISTENT” “My daughter . . . was always happy to explain to people that her mommy is so awesome, she is helping two boys have a baby.” SHELL PATTON A MOTHER OF TWO WHO GAVE BIRTH TO TWINS LAST YEAR FOR A SAME-SEX COUPLE WHO NEEDED HER HELP