> OFF THE RACK

LIFE & STYLE

Cover: Jennifer Lopez is purportedly having a third child at 47, and you’re not to call it a miracle, an abomination, an “oops baby” or anything like that. She’ll be a bit too busy to raise the wee swarthy beast while filming two TV series and doing a Vegas residency, but they’ll catch up at high-school graduation or her retirement party, whichever comes first. Pig out: Fiancé Liam Hemsworth is creeped out by Miley Cyrus’ obsession with her pet pig, Bubba Sue, and the consistency of her poop. Relax, Miley, consistency comes from practice, and if we know anything about pigs . . .

STAR

Cover: Star claims to have video of an angry row between Lindsay Lohan and her wealthy boyfriend, Russkie Whassisname. She also says she’s expecting — which, in an all-time first, is a pregnancy rumour the tabloids refuse to believe, and it comes from the woman herself. If she actually brings us a ginger, unstable child, we’ll all say “Nice try, but we’re still not letting you back in showbiz.” Shunned ’er down under: Nicole Kidman and Elisabeth Moss are sparring about Tom Cruise and Scientology on the set of their Australian TV show, Top of the Lake. This is outrageous and sad. Why are they doing Australian TV? Lady like: Kristen Stewart is now out in the open about her same-sex romance, and Star writes about it as though it were stunning news and not already clear to readers of rival publications like, say, Duh Magazine.

IN TOUCH

Cover: Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston like to call each other and discuss their past relevance; Reich marshall Angelina does not allow this. Also she’s looking to adopt child number 7 from Burundi or Ethiopia or some other country with good reviews on Yelp. Nothing to see here, folks! Final cut: Caitlyn Jenner might be thinking of having her final gender-reassignment surgery — the, shall we say, sub-equatorial one — filmed to boost ratings for her TV series. That’ll draw ’em in, right? Right? I recall the old MTV show I Want a Famous Face, which filmed a woman’s liposuction, sped it up and set it to Blur’s “Song 2” (alias the “woo hoo!” song). Another tasteful reality-TV moment might just be months away. Garnet Fraser