Too soon to jump to conclusion he’s cheating
My husband of 19 years has always been the playful type — joking, being lovey-dovey, etc.
For the past week, he’s gone completely cold. When he’s home, his mind isn’t here. He hasn’t tried to come near me at all, barely speaks to me. But he always seems to mention this girl at work (she’s 22, he’s 40). He swears the only thing wrong is that he’s stressed out over some stuff at work.
My gut’s screaming that he’s lying. He’s never acted like this before. I know something else is bothering him. Am I just overreacting or does this signal something else? At Wit’s End
It’s unusual for cheating to be your go-to guess after just one week, unless there were other significant clues such as previous straying, or now staying out late and secretive about why, etc.
This young co-worker may be flirting with him, and it may be affecting him.
Perhaps he’s even having a fantasy about her .
This can happen without it meaning he’s lying and having an affair.
There are equally good possibilities that he needs support, not accusations, e.g. if he’s threatened with being laid off or fired, or has had a health scare he hasn’t yet told you about.
One week of strange behaviour IS a signal, but it’s to be more attentive, show caring and concern.
You’ll get an answer a lot sooner that way.
Eventually, you’ll have to insist on knowing what’s going on. My husband and I have a 10-yearold son together. I have a daughter, 20. She’s quit college twice. The second time, she hid it from me for months. She’s starting college again this September. Previously, I’d paid her fees.
Previously, she’s gotten fired or quit her part-time jobs. She’s been at home since last December, sleeping in until late afternoon. She goes clubbing several times a month.
She got social assistance ($700 monthly) without my knowledge and kept this from me for five months until I found proof. (My husband doesn’t know.) Even asking her to do chores turns into a big argument. So I do everything — work full-time, cook dinner, clean the kitchen, etc. My husband resents her behaviour, lack of contribution to the house and lack of motivation. We argue a lot about her.
I don’t want to kick her out. I’ve done that before and it doesn’t sit well with me. She says she’ll finish school this time, and has been looking for jobs but has no luck. I offered her a minimum-wage job at my office. She refused because she doesn’t want me as her boss. Lost and Confused Mother
Unfortunately, many late teens/ early 20s get “stuck” in a go-nowhere zone if they don’t stick with school and then face a very limited job market. Add an emotional component — daughter not co-operating, stepfather fed up — and it seems unsolv- able. Moving forward is now up to you.
Tell her that you’re now setting firm boundaries, for her sake and everyone else’s:
1. She goes to college and pays toward her tuition fees.
2. She either contributes to household chores, or pays part of her social assistance to you for room and board.
You’re not kicking her out, but you’re also not indulging a young woman who’s taking advantage of you and your husband. If she overreacts and/or refuses new rules, offer a process of counselling. Explain that it’s her best chance to get an outsider’s view and gain confidence in her own ability to improve her life.
Perhaps he’s even having a fantasy about her. This can happen without it meaning he’s lying and having an affair
Tip of the day One week’s changed behaviour is NOT a sure sign of cheating. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.