Dealing with conflict? Think ahead a year
Long-term thinking can help tackle interpersonal tensions, a Canadian study suggests
If you’re at odds with your wife about family chores, or are having a spat with your boyfriend over who feeds the cat, stop and ask yourself, “Will this fight matter a year from now?” — and you might still be together then.
Anew Canadian study, published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, suggests the ticket to overcoming relationship conflicts is adopting a future-oriented perspective, instead of focusing on the present.
That means in the heat of the moment when tempers are flaring, people should take a step back and ask themselves how a conflict will affect them down the line, says lead author Alex Huynh, a doctoral candidate in the University of Waterloo’s department of psychology.
“It allows them to be more forgiving of their partners and close friends, and in the end, that changes how they think about their relationship and their relationship well-being,” he says. “They think the relationship will get better, and (think) of the conflict as a learning experience.”
The researchers conducted two studies — one on undergraduate students in Chicago, and another on a broader age range of Americans found through a crowdsourcing website. All participants were asked to reflect on a recent conflict with a romantic partner or a close friend, with one group tasked with describing how they felt about it in the moment, and a second group describing how they’d feel about the conflict in a year.
In both studies, those thinking about the future reported more positivity about their relationships. They also showed more forgiveness and saw the fight in a more reasoned, positive light.
“People get caught up in their feelings, and use it as fuel and end up hurting their relationships,” Huynh says. “But as humans . . . we can take a step back and think about our conflicts differently. By this simple way of doing that, your relationship is going to be better.”
The findings come as no surprise to psychologists and relationship counsellors, who’ve seen it all when it comes to sparring couples.
“Even basic stresses in life, when we take a moment to say, ‘Will this matter a year from now?’ I find it makes my clients calm down,” says Nicole McCance, a Toronto-based psychologist and relationship expert who has been working with couples for about a decade.
“It makes absolute sense,” says registered professional counsellor Edel Walsh, founder of Love Done Well, a Vancouver-based love, life and relationship-counselling service.
We’re all hard-wired with a primitive “fight or flight” response, she says, and it’s nonsensical to try and solve a conflict in that state of mind. “What generally leads to an escalation in an argument with couples is that they both want to be heard at the same time — but you can’t.”
When we’re arguing with someone, there are actually physiological changes in our body, McCance says. “Our blood pressure increases and goes away from our brain, into our legs and arms,” she says.
In other words, your brain isn’t exactly firing on all cylinders when you’re mad. “The best thing to do is walk away and take a break,” McCance adds. “It takes 20 minutes for your blood to go back to your brain.”
And after hitting the pause button, you might as well take some time to think about the future, too.