> KEEPING THE PEACE

Aside from adopting a futureoriented perspective, there are a few other things couples can do to get through conflicts and maintain a happy, loving relationship.

Make your relationship a priority. Focus on your relationship as a whole. “I have many people come into my office unhappy,” McCance says. “I look at their life, and their priority is getting that promotion or keeping fit at the gym . . . if you actually look at how much of their investment of energy and time goes into their relationship, it’s quite low.” To figure out your partner’s specific needs, pay attention to the things they’re complaining about.

Plan for conflict in advance. It sounds pessimistic to plan for a fight, but Walsh says that’s a key way couples can avoid blow-ups. And let’s face it: Fighting with a partner is inevitable.) During a calm conversation, talk to your partner about how you want to handle conflict and make an agreement to hit the pause button before things escalate. That way, in the heat of the moment, you can say, “We said we weren’t going to do this — let’s stop and talk about it tomorrow,” Walsh says.

Don’t play the blame game. Finger-pointing in a fight will just lead to bitterness, but it’s often how people react. “Instead of partner blame, there has to be personal blame,” Walsh says. “You have to say, ‘Here’s what I did, here’s what I said, here’s my mistake.’ ” That personal accountability can be even more important than apologizing, she adds. “Saying ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t mean anything — people say it all the time — but there has to be a change in the behaviour.”