Disapproving mom may be stuck in her own sadness

I’m 36, divorced, have been dating a wonderful guy for eight months, but it seems my mother doesn’t want me to be happy.

My father died two years ago. Since then, nothing I do is good enough for her. She complains that I don’t visit her enough, don’t take her anywhere, etc.

But if I suggest we go for dinner, or that she join me for a walk in a park, she refuses, saying that she only enjoyed doing those things with my father.

When I started talking about the new man in my life, she said she didn’t want to meet him because we’d probably break up.

Next, she was always “too tired” for me to bring him over. Now, she says I spend too much time with him and I’m no longer interested in her. Why wouldn’t a mother want her adult daughter to be happy? No Approval

If this was your mother-daughter history growing up, then nothing’s new. You’ve changed, she hasn’t.

But if this is her reaction since she lost her husband and daily companion, then change through loss has overwhelmed her.

Her mourning period may be over, but she’s still grieving her old lifestyle. And you can’t do anything that brings it back.

But you can start something new between you two, if you care enough to try.

Bring your boyfriend to meet her, briefly, without making it a long visit. Do it again, and bring flowers. Next time, bring dinner and talk.

Yes, you’d be “wooing” her, but not because she doesn’t want you happy . . . it’s because she’s the one who’s unhappy and doesn’t know how to lift her spirits on her own.

I have two grown children in their 20s, both have post-secondary educations and live at home.

Neither one of them is driven to get a full-time job.

They’re good, friendly, confident, happy people, but lack the initiative to move on with their lives.

Neither one has a significant other. They’re a pleasure to be around but it’s time for more. I don’t know how to motivate them. Help! Still At Home

The obstacle here is your thinking that you can motivate them to become independent.

But you can’t, not when you’ve made dependency so pleasant for them.

This was natural and fine when they were growing up. But it’s become a soft cushion they’re reluctant to give up.

They need to recognize that there are more rewarding choices ahead for them.

Here are just some strategies for you and your husband to ponder:

Discuss trimming your finances and needing them to contribute to their room and board.

Mention a desire to travel more and move to a smaller place to afford it. Or say you’ve decided to free yourselves from so much household responsibility.

Whatever the plan, you’re announcing intensions to adjust your lifestyle as a couple, in some ways that don’t include their living with you.

Put a time frame on it, and say you expect them to use their good educations to find jobs.

Be clear that even if no preferred jobs are immediately available, they’ll still need to earn money by starting to work.

Be positive and firm. Most important, show confidence in their ability to move forward as adults.

Tip of the day A mother who negates her daughter’s happiness is likely stuck in her own sorrows. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.