A virgin by choice, living the ‘feminist dream’
For one woman, true chastity is more than dos and don’ts
My name is Kate. I’m 32 years old. I’ve never had sex.
I always imagined I would be married by 25 and have a brood of kids. I wanted enough kids to fill a baseball team, a hockey bench and a big house full of love.
That obviously hasn’t happened yet. But I love my life. I spent last weekend learning to scull on the Potomac River. I have good friends, a great family, hobbies and one of the best jobs I’ve ever had.
Do I feel a void because I’m not married and don’t have children yet? Sure. Do I wish I were having sex? Of course. But I believe I’m living a fuller life because of my commitment to sexual integrity. I spend every day doing the things that I want to do, because I’m not wasting time worrying about waking up next to a stranger, contracting a sexually transmitted infection or missing a period.
The truth is, I’m able to live the feminist dream.
A recent study in the journal Archives of Sexual Behaviour showed that young people — specifically millennials — are more than twice as likely to be sexually inactive than the previous generation.
Although there are many possible causes for this shift, it’s quite reasonable to believe that this generation doesn’t want the stresses that sex outside of marriage brings.
Maybe they realize that a condom doesn’t protect the heart, and that true love is something worth waiting for and fighting for.
Celibacy and chastity, as I have come to understand as a Catholic, are virtues practised with a purpose. Chastity isn’t simply restraining one’s desires, nor is it something you practise before marriage and then disregard after the wedding. Chastity is a lifestyle, centred on freedom and love, that challenges people to love themselves and others in the most perfect way possible.
As a teenager, I read Joshua Harris’s book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I was enthralled by the view of purity he proposed and decided I would save every act of affection, including kissing, until my wedding day.
This interpretation of chastity was challenged in a Christian marriage course I took in college. I began to understand that chastity goes deeper than a long list of dos and don’ts. I started researching the topic in depth. The result was my college thesis, Chastity in the Modern World and the Fulfilment of Chastity Within the Catholic Church.
My thesis was based on the book Love and Responsibility by Karol Wojtyla, who would later become Saint John Paul II. In this book, Wojtyla explained that every human being is a sexual being, but that we’re also rational — we don’t have to be mastered by our physical desires.
In the case of the single person, chastity means not having sex before marriage, but it also means striving toward the perfection of love. We must aim to love ourselves and others in the most perfect way possible — this is chastity in its fullness.
Virtues, including chastity, must be practised like a new sport or skill. I didn’t just decide to be a master rower and naturally row down the Potomac. I took an intense sculling course and then spent hours upon hours practising on the water — and I’m still only in the beginner stages. There wasn’t a single Olympian who simply showed up in Rio and won gold. Like sports, virtue takes practice, failure and perseverance.
With chastity, there are days you will struggle and fail. Some days, it will seem impossible. But you must remain faithful and persevere, especially in the difficult moments.
As a Christian, I believe that all things are possible with God and that has been the bedrock of my journey with chastity. I’ve also surrounded myself with good friends who support me and my beliefs, which has made my journey easier.
While I didn’t get my early marriage, or my 12 kids, or my big house with a white picket fence, my commitment to sexual integrity has allowed me the freedom to live the life that I want. I am living the life that feminists throughout history fought for.
Through chastity — true freedom and the perfection of love — I am living the feminist dream.