Feuding friends the cause of wedding blues

My two best friends no longer speak to each other. I’m upset and stressed about it. They used to live with me and two other girls during university and we stayed close. Two years ago, A and Z got into an argument about something silly, but very hurtful things were said, tempers flared, spouses got involved and they ended contact with each other.

I wasn’t present when the fight happened, so only have their reports.

Z is getting married and the others in our group are involved in the bachelorette and wedding. Ais not involved and not invited to the wedding.

The rest of us are still friends with both women, so we feel uncomfortable and sad. I think A might be receptive to speaking to Z, but I’m not so sure about Z. In the Middle

Stay neutral. Don’t attempt getting them together until after the wedding, unless A indicates to you that she’s willing to approach Z.

If so, she should send a personal note — not an email whose tone can be misinterpreted — wishing her former friend a happy wedding.

It’s important that any attempt at reconciliation is not seen to just get invited along with the old gang.

Otherwise, after the wedding and honeymoon, you can speak to each of them — once only — about thinking that enough time has passed for trying to get past that old fight.

Be aware, though, that once spouses got involved, it became a more complex divide between the two. Keep reminding yourself, this is their issue, not yours. For years, I’ve known my husband is selfish and inconsiderate.

Others see him as jovial and fun — until someone crosses him or he perceives disrespect.

We’ve lost relationships and connections over his hot head.

Now, I’m alone and isolated while he continues to forge new interests and make new friends.

I’m unwilling to join because I fear it’ll blow up and I’ll have to deal with yet another loss.

I’ve stuck by him, but no longer can. I’m at a crossroads of having to build a life separate from him.

I hoped my loyalty would result in greater self-confidence in him and a stronger marriage.

Instead, he continues to muscle his way through life, leaving me in the dust.

How do I rebuild my life independent of him? Turning Point

You need to gather information and support.

Counselling for yourself is crucial now, to give you the confidence to have the tough conversation with your husband about separating.

Given his “hot head,” you may need to be in a safe place with your plan intact before you tell him what you’ve decided.

When certain of your timing to leave, talk to any close family, friends or advisers who know enough about you to help you with choices ahead.

You’ll also need legal advice regarding the details and process of separation.

Learn what your rights and responsibilities are in a breakup, and what your husband’s are, regarding financial issues and regarding any children. If you work, look for avenues for new friendships and social activities related to your colleagues, or to your field in general.

If you move, look to the new community for pursuing health-related interests like fitness classes, walking groups or sports to keep your spirit and energy up during this change.

A new routine will fall into place if you stay open, friendly and positive.

Stay neutral. Don’t attempt to get friends together until after the wedding, unless one indicates she’s willing to approach the other

Tip of the day

When close friends feud, stay neutral unless one or both ask for help reconnecting.