Disconnected dreamers are back in the limelight — regretfully.
This week in dregs: Doug Ford and Tony Clement spoke up, and what a spokes they had. Has someone set Time to Rewind?
A reminder to readers who can’t remember who these two are or who, like me, made a manful effort to forget: Ford was the defeated Toronto mayoral candidate who, along with his late mayor brother Rob, disgraced himself in a multitude of ways. Short form: Rob was the chaotic drug-user who made a famously foul remark about sex with his wife, and Doug was the mean one. Tony Clement was the minister in the Harper government who cancelled Canada’s mandatory long-form census and built the nation’s most expensive gazebo in his riding at our expense.
The Fords have “written” a book to be published on Nov. 22. This is the date JFK was shot to death, recalling the Fords passing themselves off as the Kennedys of, I guess, Etobicoke. Doug Ford announced Tuesday he would be running for office, but still didn’t know if it would be at the municipal, provincial or federal level because the levels haven’t responded to his cries — dear levels, please take me, I am nice — but how grand if it were all three simultaneously.
Ford dragged a pile of reporters to his poolside (he also has a gazebo, a nylon one) and told them it would be “the most exciting book this country has ever seen.” I am already so excited you could toss and dress a salad with me. I quiver, I radiate, I’m lit up like a solar-powered LED. I just spilled my drink, Doug.
The book will be titled FORDNATION: Two Brothers, One Vision: The Story of the People’s Mayor and on its cover will be a photo of two huge heads staring off into space. “What the heck?” say their thought bubbles.
Ford said the book would be “no holds bar” (sic), would deal with the “lying Toronto Star” and, more importantly, would “rock” the media and the political world. Who cares, Ford had already rocked my world even before he wrote his rad book. Reporters covering the book announcement thought the world might rock on Nov. 8 with the possibility of a President Trump but no, there would be 14 further sleeps before the book came out.
Anyway, back to another disconnected dreamer and that’s Clement, now running for the Conservative leadership. He has a “10-point national security plan” to make Canadians safer, including jailing potential terrorists if they can’t be watched 24 hours a day in some other manner.
Clement is a dreary man, possibly the dreariest. There were nine other points, which I can’t track down, but possibly Clement is letting them drip out day by day to retain voter interest. I am now saying out loud “My 10-point Plan to Rock Your World” and wondering how Clement and Ford deliver lines like this with a straight face.
Very few people suspected of anything can be watched all day and night. I am now recalling police surveillance of Mayor Rob Ford, the vodka bottles and public urination, the police helicopter. Remember that? Non-stop tracking is expensive and consumes every moment of time, as North Korea and former police Chief Bill Blair well know. Cast your net that widely and you’ll end up with nothing more than a fish metaphor, as I have.
Clement suggests face-to-face video conferencing with immigrant hopefuls, so we can weed out terrorists. How hi-tech of him, how digi-vid. Where does he get these fancy ideas?
What worries me is that Clement hasn’t Skyped, or shopped in a store, or imagined that people lie or that they aren’t interviewed in person before they get anything from anyone in modern times. You can’t even change your health card without lining up at Canadian Tire ServiceOntario, after weeks of carefully studying lineup and time-of-day data as you buy your pop-up summer gazebo and BBQ scrubbers.
You fill out forms. They question you. You are photographed. This is for a card you already have. Clement is so “out there.” My mind is totally “blown.”
I apologize for writing about these men, as I’m not sure they remain in people’s minds except as a bitter residue. Should I keep you updated on Clement’s other bits of point or Ford’s promised “naming of names” in his daft manuscript? Or would you prefer that your world remain stable, beautifully matured and unrocked? “Email” me with your “thoughts.”
Ford told reporters it would be “the most exciting book this country has ever seen.” I am already so excited you could toss and dress a salad with me