Long list of criticisms from man who wants none

I’ve been seeing a lady for over a year. We were colleagues and friends before, and have known each other for 10 years.

I’m recently divorced, and have just ended a 25-year marriage with a spouse who was very difficult and confrontational. This lady has never been married, is in her mid-50s and financially secure. We’ve both had to take medical retirements due to acquired brain injuries.

On the positive side: She’s been supportive of me, and a good sounding board. She’s very intelligent, and we have some deep and meaningful conversations. She’s also good with money — something I have never been good at. The physical side to our relationship has been very nice for both of us.

On the negative side: I’m really bothered by her appearance, which I describe as looking “butch.” She’s tall, but has no sense of style. Her clothes and hairstyle are both very plain and don’t really suit her. When I worked with her, she was always smartly dressed and cared about her appearance. She’s also very hairy (facial and other places) which I don’t find very feminine. She doesn’t use makeup, perfume or nail polish.

Sometimes, she smells of body odour.

I’ve given her gifts of clothing, gone shopping with her, and recently gave her an expensive birthday gift certificate to a hair salon/beauty parlour for hair, waxing and a manicure.

She hasn’t used it so far. She can also be somewhat socially awkward. She doesn’t give out a warm and friendly vibe when she meets my friends and family.

I’ve also sometimes found her to be critical of me, and she rarely says anything positive to me.

We are also directly opposite in our beliefs — she’s an atheist, I’m a devout Christian. She’s pro-choice, I’m pro-life. She’s a socialist with very liberal views and I’m more of a social conservative. We have talked about taking a holiday together and even mentioned moving in together.

So far, I haven’t been able to directly tell her what bothers me about her.

I don’t know whether this is because of my past unsuccessful marriage, and I’m fearful of a confrontation. I also don’t want to hurt her. I don’t know what I’ve gotten myself into and where this relationship is heading. Unsure How to Proceed

Do this woman a favour and break off the relationship, gently.

You are far too critical of her appearance and manner, and will insult her if you state all of the above.

You also seem to want someone who never criticizes you.

And your core beliefs are completely opposed.

She’s provided you with company and sex during the transition time from your divorce, but I hear neither love nor even affectionate caring on your part.

It’s good that you don’t want to hurt her, but it sounds like you haven’t really gotten to know her well, during a whole year of dating. Example: She’s changed her appearance, likely related to her changed lifestyle and medical issues, but you haven’t discussed this with her.

Like I said, do her a favour . . . she deserves more respect for who she is, and how she chooses to look, even if it’s not your ideal.

You don’t like confrontation and difficulty from your ex-wife, so hanging in with a woman about whom you already have a list of “negatives” seems a poor choice for both of you.

Do her a favour — she deserves more respect for who she is, and how she chooses to look

Tip of the day

The question, “how did I get myself into (this relationship)” is a sure step to ending it, so proceed gently and respectfully. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.