Sibling keeps sister’s Alzheimer’s a secret
My sister is 51. She was diagnosed 18 months ago with earlyonset Alzheimer’s. She lives abroad with her husband, no kids. My mother lives with me. She is almost 80 years old and her health is not the best. I never told our mother about my sister’s condition. To justify her erratic behaviour during her last visit, I told mom that sis suffers depression. That didn’t alarm her since my sister was always a bit weird. I am devastated; at the same time I’m afraid the truth would destroy our mother. But now I have ethical doubts.
Should I tell the truth or keep the secret?
Tell the truth. The sooner, the better.
A couple of caveats, however. You say your mother’s health is “not the best,” but I assume she’s not at death’s door. If she were, an argument could be made for protecting her from the facts; it’s debatable, but some would contend that the greatest kindness would be allowing her to exit this world unburdened by your sister’s struggles.
I also assume she’s not herself suffering from advanced Alzheimer’s. The problem with breaking this kind of news to someone with dementia is that you can’t just do it once and get over it. Instead, you have to repeat it over and over, and each telling reopens the wound and compounds the sadness. There’s nothing noble about repeatedly imposing sadness on someone without the tools to process it. That’s just cruelty.
But your mom’s not dying and she’s not demented. She’s just getting old and dealing with the “stuff” of aging. So, she has the right to know what’s going on with her daughter and you have no right to withhold that information, even with the best of intentions. It’s unfair to leave her wondering what’s going on with her child, or assuming that something has gone wrong in their relationship. She needs to know that her daughter is not weird and not ignoring her. She’s sick.
As for this information “destroying” your mother, I doubt it. As someone called upon to deliver bad news to many older people, I can attest that, by the time most folks reach 80, they’ve seen it all — or enough, at least, to deal with whatever life throws their way. Of course she’ll be sad — it’s a terrible situation. But she’s known sadness before and survived. She’ll survive again.
This conversation won’t be easy. Your mom will be angry that you’ve withheld this information, so don’t be surprised if, in the short run, some of the anguish she’s feeling gets vented on you. But time really is a great healer; after she’s had space to grieve, I wouldn’t be surprised if she offers you strength and wisdom to deal with your own sadness. Mothers don’t usually stop being mothers, after all. Right now, you’re trying to carry all of this yourself; that’s unfair to her, and, in the end, too much for you to bear, as well.
So, don’t put it off any longer. Tell her, let her cry on your shoulder and weep on hers in return, and move forward together.
And, incidentally, “depressed” people aren’t “weird.” Given the state of the world, a better adjective might be “realistic.” Send your questions to star.ethics@yahoo.ca