PERFECT PIVOTS
There are five undefeated NFL teams, and their QBs aren’t the usual suspects.
By Cam Newton’s hats!
There are five undefeated teams in the NFL, and here are their quarterbacks: Trevor Siemian, Carson Wentz, Jimmy Garoppolo/Jacoby Brissett, Sam Bradford and Joe Flacco. So: a seventh-round rookie, a first-round rookie, a two-year intern/a third-round rookie, a No. 1 pick who has been traded twice in six years, and Joe Flacco. NONELITE Joe Flacco.
Now, it’s early, and things can change. This time last year, the undefeated teams included ... wait, New England, Denver, Carolina, Arizona, Green Bay, Cincinnati, and Atlanta. They finished a combined 82-30, led by Carolina at 15-1, featuring the real beginnings of Cam Newton’s public hat life. So far this season he has attempted both Monorail Salesman Hat and Mr. Peanut Hat, which leaves a lot of room to grow. I presume Homer Simpson Oversized Undercover Camera Hat, Queen of England Hat, Sherlock Holmes Hat, Davy Crockett Hat, Abraham Lincoln/Slash Hat, Napoleon Hat, Shriner Fez and Boat Captain Hat are all still coming. It’s good to try new things.
Football may be trying new old things, which is the ol’ defence-matters-more-than-your-QB formula that Denver popularized last season. Last year Peyton Manning was a genial walking corpse, and he still won a Super Bowl. Which was new! The game’s elite quarterbacks over the last few years are, in a vague sort of order, Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady, Russell Wilson, Newton, Ben Roethlisberger, Drew Brees Except Haha That Defence, Maybe Phillip Rivers On Occasion, and The Ghost Of Tony Romo.
(Sorry about all the lists. If it helps, match the great quarterback to the hat that would best suit him. I have Brady in Sherlock Holmes, Wilson in Napoleon, Rodgers in Lincoln/ Slash, Brees in Davy Crockett, Rivers in Boat Captain, Romo in Undercover Hat, and Roethlisberger in Fez. Or Boat Captain, depending on the day. Roethlisberger can wear more or less any hat. Imagine it, and it will feel right.)
Anyway, in the last 15 years those guys won 11 Super Bowls: Brady has four, Peyton has two (only one as a great QB), Roethlisberger has two, and Wilson, Rodgers, and Brees each have one. Eli Manning and Joe Flacco, who had their moments, have two and one. And also, Brad Johnson, 2002. I didn’t know this, but he was third in passer rating that season.
Peyton then won one more as his body fell apart like he was a Lego person. Now when he drops by the TV booth you can see how pleased he would be to just hang out, effortlessly be the best colour commentator in football, chew the ol’ fat. He must be so bored, Peyton. You can only spend so many days reorganizing the contents of the kitchen cupboards to maximize their efficiency, and cleaning the garage. I bet Peyton’s garage looks like Batman’s lab.
The point is, the only two teams that won despite their QBs in the last 15 years: Maybe Tampa Bay, and last year’s Denver Broncos, and now the league’s undefeated teams are being quarterbacked by children and castoffs and Joe Flacco. Bill Belichick is part of it, of course. He could win with anybody at QB, it feels like. Maybe Tom Brady is just a system QB with Hollywood good looks and a Trump hat in his locker. Trump hats are the worst hats.
It could all change, of course. But it would be strange if the pendulum swung back, in the age of quarter- back inflation, to defences. Of the top 40 in all-time passer rating, six completed their careers before the year 2000. (Steve Young, Joe Montana, Otto Graham, Jim Kelly, Roger Staubach, Neil Lomax.) They played in an era when fedoras weren’t back yet, or when they were still OK to wear. It was a simpler time, hatwise.
Last week this space went 4-12. I warned you I didn’t know what I was doing. Didn’t I warn you?
As always, all lines could change.
THE PICKS Buffalo (+7) at New England
Rex Ryan pretending to be a reporter named Walt Patulski of the Buffalo News on the Julian Edelman conference call was funny! I mean, Rob Ryan pretending to be a defensive co-ordinator remains the family’s best comedy job, but still. Pick: New England
Carolina (-3) at Atlanta
Atlanta’s Matt Ryan to ESPN’s Seth Wickersham on quarterbacking now: “Don’t worry so much about where defenders should be or where they’re supposed to be or all those kinds of things. Just see spots.”
It sounds insane, being a quarterback. Pick: Atlanta
The Cardinals are a funny team. Sports Illustrated picked them to beat Pittsburgh in the Super Bowl? Check! A QB who sometimes seems to get the shakes, despite his Presidential jawline? Hi, Carson Palmer! Pick: Arizona
THE REST
Indianapolis (-2.5) at Jacksonville Pick: Indianapolis Tennessee (+4.5) at Houston Pick: Houston Cleveland (+9) at Washington Pick: Cleveland Seattle (-2.5) at N.Y. Jets Pick: Seattle Oakland (+3) at Baltimore Pick: Oakland Detroit (-2.5) at Chicago Pick: Detroit Denver (-2.5) at Tampa Bay Pick: Denver New Orleans (+4) at San Diego Pick: New Orleans Dallas (-1) at San Francisco Pick: Dallas Kansas City (+4.5) at Pittsburgh Pick: Pittsburgh N.Y. Giants (+5) at Minnesota Pick: Giants Byes: Philadelphia, Green Bay Last week: 4-12. Season: 19-29.