Loneliness a chance for new connections

I dated a wonderful man for three years. We met online, and our first date was amazing. We’re both in our 60s. We promised to grow old together and buy a house together when we retired. Though we had our ups and downs, it was largely a loving and good relationship. He was cranky at times and sulked after arguments. He was also very stubborn. He never told me he loved me, which hurt a lot.

He broke it off after we returned from a wonderful holiday. I asked if he’d attend counselling and he refused.

I’ve tried various times to contact him, but he doesn’t respond to my emails and told me he was dating someone else, just four months after we broke up.

It’s over 15 months now and I miss him and would love to just see him and catch up.

I know if he really wanted to be with me he would, but I still hope he’ll return. How do I move on and get him out of my life for good? Just Stuck

Your story highlights how love, and the desire for attachment, are common to all ages and bring on the same emotions you likely felt when younger.

But fortunately, experience, maturity and wisdom are also available to you now.

So no, you’re not “stuck,” just letting the hurt and disappointment linger too long, because you’re not ready to just forget him.

You don’t have to. He brought something good into your life, as you did his.

But though you’re very accepting of his negative traits, living out your years with someone so stubborn, who wouldn’t say he loved you and broke up with little explanation, wasn’t likely to be so wonderful.

You are the one who’s loving and giving.

Now give yourself another chance by seeking potential dates through friends, community gatherings, special interest groups, volunteering, etc. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I’m living in university residence again this year while my two best friends are living in an apartment with another girl.

I was really close with one of them over the summer. I made an effort to keep contact with the other, though she reciprocated poorly. Last year, they weren’t even close friends.

Now, because they’re living together, they’re all playing house and seem to have forgotten about me.

All the effort’s mine, yet I have to listen to them tell me about all the fun they’re having making meals and living together. They know I don’t want to be in residence again and I’d much rather have an apartment with them, but they don’t seem to care about my feelings and have made no effort to include me.

I’m really hurt by their actions. Should I tell them how I feel, or stop being so eager to get together? Third Wheel

Enough of woe-is-me thinking, because if these so-called “besties” haven’t started to include you by now, then they aren’t the most reliable friends out there.

It’s pretty natural that initially they were busy getting to know each other as roommates, but excluding you showed high school clique mentality.

Meanwhile, living in a university environment puts you in contact with many new people and possible friends — through residence life, classes, sports, music, etc.

Be friendly, open, and determined to enjoy yourself. Once you’re active and involved with new people, there’ll be no sense of “third wheel.”

Instead, you’ll have the confidence of knowing how to take advantage of your surroundings and create new connections. Tip of the day When a partner withholds saying “love,” be wary of disappointment ahead. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.