Divorced man gets lesson in modern sexuality

I’m a divorced man, 42, married for 13 years until last year. Recently, I tried dating through Tinder. An attractive woman at my neighbourhood bar sent me a text and we ended up having dinner together.

Despite that she’s 16 years younger than me, we carried on a very good conversation. She came back to my place, but once there she told me that she’s “pansexual.” I pretended to know what that meant but managed to go into the bathroom with my phone to look it up. It seems she’s open to having sex with men, women, transgender people and people using other sexual labels, which I also had to look up later.

She then told me a list of what she likes and doesn’t like during sex. I lost interest. Nothing was going to happen between us. There were too many contradictions — things that were fine to do with females, but not with males, different desires with older men than with younger, etc. I don’t want to see her again, but I’m left wondering what that’s all about. Confused Straight Male

There was a bigger age gap with this date than you realized.

In a time of greatly increased diversity and fast-paced change, many young people find sexuality is one area where they feel they have personal choice and control.

Gender doesn’t matter to their openness to others — whether heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals, transgender people, etc.

Pansexuals, like your date, are open to all.

For her, dating through a social media app is a way to try anyone new. For you, it can offer too many surprises. I met my boyfriend of eight months when he was on holiday leave from the army.

We fell head over heels in love, constantly flying up back and forth to each other, then moved together to Brisbane, Australia, for his career. We supported one another as a team, always happy.

After four months of struggling financially, we moved to Melbourne, where he’d leave the military for a civilian job, live with his mother, and me with mine. But I’d stay at his house four to five nights weekly.

Now he has all his friends here. His mother and I don’t get along like best friends as he’d hoped and there’s a lot of strain on our relationship. I’m starting to feel invisible, and he’s always being rude and disrespecting me.

We’ve been arguing for three weeks now with occasional amazing days (which he forgets when we argue).

We have a lot more differences between us lately. He doesn’t acknowledge me when his friends are around and never wants to talk about our issues. I can be annoying because of my insecurity of trust in the relationship.

It’s starting to feel toxic, but I’m afraid to give up on someone I truly love. What can I do to make this work? Or is it a broken relation- ship that cannot be fixed? Rocky Relationship

The madly-in-love phase, with focus on just being together, has faced reality.

You didn’t know each other outside of that bubble.

Now that he’s got his own support around, he’s less intent on keeping the relationship strong.

Back off. Stay with your mom, work and see him only on weekends. See if he realizes he has to put energy into your being together and not take you for granted.

If that doesn’t happen, he’s not mature enough or ready for a true, lasting commitment — not with you or anyone else at this time. Tip of the day The choice of a sexual partner is more open for some, more confusing for others. Be true to yourself. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.