Independence makes for a strong couple
Shared bank accounts can mean feeling trapped rather than free to choose togetherness and love
Be an island. Then be a peninsula.
I meet people all the time who want to beat me up because I advocate financial independence for individuals in a longterm relationship. “Come on, Gail, marriage means you have to be a team.” “Yeah, it’s about trust.” “Just because you’ve been divorced three times doesn’t mean we’re all headed that way.”
Y’know what? They’re all right. Every one of them has a point. But nothing they’ve said has changed my mind. I believe with all my heart that to be strong as a couple, you each have to be capable of standing on your own two feet.
You have to be an island. Then be a peninsula.
Being on the same team means you’re going to set your goals together and help each other meet them. If one of those goals is to have a family, then together you have to decide how you will provide care and money to take care of that family. If one of you decides to stay home, that doesn’t mean the money-maker gets to make all the decisions about how the money gets spent or abdicate home-care responsibilities. But so often, that’s exactly what happens.
It also often happens that the non-working partner ties themselves financially to their mate. They share a bank account; there are no individual accounts. They share credit. One may even give up his or her financial identity completely. Hey, I’ve seen it, and it isn’t healthy.
I’m not saying your relationship is sure to be a bust. I am saying that to be good for each other and strong together, you each need to take care of the money — individually and as a team — and you each need to be independent.
You won’t both always want the same thing at the same time. If one person has more power in the family — financial or otherwise — the other’s needs may be swept aside. That’s not good for long-term contentment. If you truly love your mate, what’s important to him or her has to be at least a little important to you.
You must each be clear about what you need, want and expect from your relationship. And it can’t just be clear in one person’s mind. You have to talk about it, negotiate the grey areas, come to a happy place where you’re each getting some of what you want.
Being an island isn’t so bad, y’know. It is scary for some people. That idea of independence makes some people want to hide behind words like love, trust, honour and team. But independence doesn’t negate any of those. It enhances them, because every day you’re choosing to be together, not defaulting to it because you’re trapped.
Once you see yourself as independent, you can talk about how you enrich each other’s lives. You’ll talk about what you’ll do to make sure you have each other’s backs. And you’ll listen to each other, because “together” isn’t the default. It’s what you get by acting like a team. Yup, now you’re a peninsula. Gail Vaz-Oxlade’s column appears each week in Smart Money.