Pregnancy etiquette
The Star speaks to three mothers about what they shouldn’t have to expect when expecting
You waddle. You’re so big. You’re not big enough. The list of rude comments people have made to Ashley Greer during her three pregnancies is long. “Never ever comment on (a pregnant woman’s) size,” says the Stoney Creek, Ont., resident, who’s expecting her son Wyatt within weeks.
But when it comes to pregnancy etiquette, pointing out someone’s size is just the tip of the rudeness iceberg.
From unexpected belly rubbing to questions about birthing choices, pregnant moms face etiquette fails most people never have to deal with, leaving many questioning why they’re stuck with those awkward moments in the first place. And when people aren’t sure what to say or do, etiquette experts say the resulting rudeness from this common scenario puts undue pressure on moms-to-be.
“Pregnancy isn’t easy,” says etiquette and protocol consultant Lisa Orr. “It’s an important task women play in society. As a community, we owe it to ourselves and these women to give them a little extra kindness.”
In Seoul, pink seats are designated for moms-to-be on public transportation. In Busan, the city is testing out a wireless sensor device to alert transit riders that the person carrying the device has a baby on the way.
What’s trickier to combat are the prying questions and judgments.
Tamara Robbins Griffith, a Toronto mother of two, faced a barrage of questions when she opted for a vaginal birth the second time around, after having a Caesarian section for her first baby. Some people cited the possible complications. “I think it’s rude when people make you feel like you’re putting your unborn child at risk,” she says.
Toronto mom Shana Tilbrook also recalls one weird experience at a party while she was pregnant. Someone asked to touch her belly and she agreed. “He then stuck his face right up against my belly and started talking enthusiastically to my unborn baby for about a minute,” she says. “It made me feel very awkward.” Another time, someone saw her from the back and asked, “Are you sure you aren’t having twins? You look like you are.”
“You wouldn’t comment on a nonpregnant woman’s body, so why does that change when someone is pregnant?” Tilbrook continues. “You wouldn’t touch someone’s belly who isn’t pregnant, (so) why touch the belly of someone who is?”
It’s even more difficult when a pregnancy ends in loss. During her first two pregnancies, Greer had stillborn twin boys and a stillborn daughter, prompting strange and awkward questions from friends and family: Was it something you did? Since you won’t be using your baby clothes, can I give them to my daughter?
“For someone who has experienced loss before — help the parents remember their lost (child or children), not forget them,” Greer says. “Understand that this pregnancy may not be fun and exciting, but stressful and scary.”