Secrecy makes partner feel betrayed

I’ve been dating and living with a man for three years. During the first year, he had an online affair.

He continually lied about things I’d discover.

I asked him to leave and he said he’d end the affair. But he didn’t until months later. He’s now moved away for work and we see each other once a month.

He’s started to communicate regularly with his ex-wife.

During a visit, I saw some of the texts. She apparently thought we were no longer together. She wrote that she’d quit texting while he was visiting me. He tried to see her but she wasn’t available.

Then she sent a photo of herself while travelling to Hong Kong to visit her family. He explained this only because I saw it come through.

I don’t understand these relationships that are apart from ours. I don’t understand why he’s now communicating with his ex. I wonder if I move to where he is, if this communication will carry on.

I feel one of them is still in love. There’s been nothing physical, yet I feel hurt and betrayed.

He says it’s my own insecurity and lack of self-worth. How do I finally address this with him finally? Or, should I cut my losses and move on? We’re both in our late 40s. Betrayed or Insecure?

It’s no wonder that you don’t understand.

Your guy doesn’t make anything clear. For example, why he and his ex-wife are now in regular contact. He seems to think he only has to explain something when he gets caught.

This isn’t about your insecurity; it’s about his secretiveness. It creates distrust.

It wouldn’t be an issue if he told you that he and his ex like to be in touch about their kids. But instead, he puts all this uncertainty on you and carries on.

There’s no finality on this way of behaving, unless he clarifies to you why he’s renewed this contact.

Will he be visiting her in the future without telling you? Will he introduce you two or get together with her privately? You need to insist on his being open with you. Otherwise, continuing to rely on this relationship is bound to end up with the same hurts and doubts. I’m a man, 24, stuck in my parents’ house to pay off debt from car insurance, financial woes and my long-term unemployment before I recently got a job. I’m working hard, but my father openly judges me.

It’s because I’m trying to tolerate the full-time working hours with smoking, having a drink or two after work and returning home late (my shift ends at 11 p.m.). But he’s trying to control me. My job can’t support moving out until I pay my dues. My parents are my only support right now, so what should I do? Judgmental Father

Get a grip on reality. You’re living on the generosity of your parents after some actions of your own that resulted in “financial woes.”

That’s not unusual at your age, but some appreciation is required.

Yes, your father’s judging you, but he has cause: you seem to think that full-time work is a burden, yet it’s what most adults do every day.

Spending money on alcohol and cigarettes would be fine in modest amounts, if it were your own money.

But when you have debts and live off others — their home, food, laundry, etc. — you should be spending the least amount of money and you should be contributing at home.

Will he be visiting his ex-wife in the future without telling you? Will he introduce you two or get together with her privately?

Tip of the day When a partner’s secretive, don’t accept a transfer of blame; he/she is the one creating your doubts. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.