Know when to react and when to let it slide

As a life coach, my friends often call me for business advice. Recently, my pal Jason asked: “My boss took a booking from my client when I was on vacation, and now he’s claiming the commission is his . . . should I say something?”

In life, when our feathers get ruffled, we can either react or not react. It’s that simple — and that difficult. Let these factors help you decide what to confront and what to let slide. If money is involved When to speak up: Ever had a friend owe you money, then turn around and buy some clothes? When it comes to your hard-earned dough, not being paid back or a broke friend going too far and taking advantage of your generosity, say something.

Giving should leave you feeling blissful, not resentful.

A simple, “Hey man, I’m headed on vacation soon, and I’d love to get everything settled before I head out,” or, “Your turn to buy lunch!” will do.

They’ll get the hint. If not, you might want to re-evaluate how important your friendship is to them.

When to let it slide: It’s different in a professional context. Do you want a raise? Or do you need to bring up a financial issue at work You have to choose your timing wisely and be selective about how often you raise the topic with your manager.

Being compensated fairly counts. But this has to be done sparingly. (Jason frequently complained, and over time, his requests were drowned out.)

Choose the most important matters to speak up about. No more than two serious occasions should pop up per year. In the case above, I asked Jason if this was an important enough issue to raise. If it’s a yes, do it. If not, forget about it and move on. If someone criticizes you or makes a joke at your expense When to speak up: If someone is unkind repeatedly, even in “jest,” it’s time to take up the issue. Is someone being passive-aggressive on purpose (and not because you’re just feeling touchy)? The best way to confront someone who is upsetting you is openly and without a hint of anger.

Breathe. Wait until you’re calm and ask the person if you can talk privately. Once you’re one-on-one, you can say, “Catherine, I’ve noticed you’ve made a few comments about Xlately. I’ve felt it’s a bit X toward me. Am I reading this properly?”

Your kindness and openness will disarm them, and the less defensive you are, the more likely you will reach a resolution (and the truth).

If someone is being overly critical, it’s OK to lovingly say that you appreciate their advice, but you’re doing OK as you are. The same goes when you see someone else who can’t or won’t stand up for themselves. The world needs people who are willing to stand up for others too.

When to let it slide: Sometimes we can all be a little sensitive. If we let a joke slide, we’re not a pushover. Just remember it’s OK to tell people when their feedback is not required. If something unfair happens When to speak up: You get home late from a stressful day at work, and your spouse forgot to take out the trash. An employee failed to send a report on time, and now you’re late getting back to a client. Perhaps a friend returned a borrowed T-shirt or dinner platter, and it’s come back with a small stain or chip. You just have to ask yourself: Is this worth a fight/terse words/angry text?

Consider whether these events have become the rule versus the exception. If you’re calm and these events still feel totally unfair, it could be worth voicing your feelings. Don’t rush a rant that you might regret later. If something still bothers you one week, two weeks, a month after it happened — it could be a sign it’s time to express yourself.

When to let it slide: Don’t make a hasty decision when tired, annoyed or hungry. In a calm mindset, you’ll probably realize it’s not worth the energy of an argument. Nor the potential ramifications.

Remember: Any confrontation involves risk, so the risk has to be worth the potential reward to you — a silenced bully at work, a more reliable friend or increased support from a partner. But the older I get, the less confrontational I become. I just don’t sweat small stuff like I used to.