Should I un-friend my ex’s friends and family?

I’m emerging from a catastrophic breakup that was devastating and infuriating.

I need to completely cut off contact from my ex. I’ve removed from my home all of his things and gifts that he gave me.

However, I’m friends with his sister, brother-in-law and two of his buddies on Facebook. I want to un-friend them but I also don’t want them to hate me.

Can I un-friend these people, or please explain to me why I shouldn’t bother?

I just don’t want him feeling connected to me on social media through them, as he often uses their computers. Facebook Dilemma

A catastrophic breakup can certainly shake your world.

But the collateral damage to yourself and others goes easier with less drama and more self-confidence.

These people have done you no harm. If you un-friend them, it’s like a slap in their faces.

Hopefully, you already know how to control your input on social media, so you’ll stop yourself from posting nasty insults about your ex, or revealing all the breakup details on Facebook. It can never reflect well on you to reveal these things.

Unless you have fears for your safety if your ex reads about your life without him, there’s no need to cut off these people.

Of course, IF they take a position against you on FB, that’s a different story. You’ve got the guy out of your life. Now get him out of your head.

Have confidence in your decision to end it and your ability to move on. My mother acts like a playmate, so my daughter, age 5, expects her undivided attention when she visits. My daughter pulls her away from the adults so they can play undisturbed. My mom’s enabling the behaviour and refuses to sit with the adults. I end up feeling guilty. Worse, my mom coddles her. Example: My daughter took a toy home from school. I worried that she didn’t know this was wrong. Mom said she’s “only 5” and defended the behaviour. When I said that I’m having her take it back, my mom thought I was being hard on her.

She acts like we’re mean parents when we discipline our daughter with timeouts. She makes us second-guess our parenting methods and leaves us feeling guilty. She wants to be the fun grandma.

With her other grandparents, our daughter doesn’t become clingy, whiny or pull them around. Her behaviour’s good. We’ve explained to my mom that her granddaughter’s behaviour changes negatively when she’s around, but Mom gets angry. Frustrating “Fun Grandma”

A grandparent shouldn’t undermine parents in front of the child.

Otherwise, it’s a good thing for parents to periodically second-guess their own parenting methods, especially regarding discipline.

As an example, timeouts are appropriate for some misbehaviours, but not for others.

That said, this is really about your relationship with your mother.

Especially since the child already demonstrates good behaviour when she’s with other adults.

But having a “fun grandma” is hard for her to resist.

Your mother’s ability to make you feel guilty is likely long-standing.

She pushes hard to be important in your daughter’s life and you resist. The competition affects everyone.

Back off but set limits. Arrange a set “playtime” for Grandma’s visit when other adults aren’t coming.

Allot an hour for play, then time for grown-up talk during a meal, or when your daughter’s encouraged to read, draw or play on her own.

Also, call your mom sometimes, without discussing your child.

Tip of the day Don’t un-friend an ex’s innocent relatives/friends, except for strong reasons. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.