Maybe you should just play the game
Assassin’s Creed (out of 4) Starring Michael Fassbender, Jeremy Irons and Marion Cotillard. Directed by Justin Kurzel. Now playing at major theatres. 140 minutes. 14A
Try as it might, poor Assassin’s Creed isn’t doing much to help break the curse of “the bad video game movie.”
Within the first 15 minutes, the audience is taken from Spain, 1492, to California, 1986, to a jail cell in 2016, all on the wings of a CGI eagle segue that is, unfortunately, the one reliable thread of this plot line.
Unresolved daddy issues, overidentification with a shadow figure, regression and delusions of grandeur are just some of the psychoanalyses the audience must endure while the Assassins and the Templars continue their centuries-old fight to find the Apple of Eden: the so-called “seed of man’s disobedience” that will save the world from itself.
It’s just too bad that none of these afflictions make us feel anything for our shirtless protagonist, Cal Lynch (Michael Fassbender), as he exhibits zero character range reliving the “genetic memories” of his 14th-century relative Aguilar de Nerha.
The film is just too busy explaining what the heck is going on for us to really care about any of it.
Besides, how can one be in suspense about a guy we know is simply strapped into a high-tech VR machine under the observation of scientists the whole time?
Weird bro vibes, the intermittent (and creepy) sentimentality of Patsy Cline’s “Crazy” and a few too many roof chase scenes don’t help, either.
By the final eagle segue, my only thought was “these people should be dead by now.”
And the set-up for a sequel made me groan. Spare us, please.
I’d rather take up playing the video game.