My ex refuses mediation plan for our 4-year-old
My common-law partner and I decided to split six months ago. He blames me, as we stopped having sex after our child, age four, was born.
We’ve been to counselling for a parenting plan, but he was too angry. When I tried to set up mediation, he accused me of trying to take away our child.
He stays with his mother, I stay in our home (co-owned and cofinanced), and we both see our child daily.
I feel it’s unhealthy for me to have so much time/communication with him. I’m a better parent without him always around.
There’s no physical abuse (some mutual emotional abuse). We can get along around our child, but there’s still some conflict.
I’ve briefly consulted a lawyer, which hasn’t helped much. I don’t want to carry on like this. Feeling Stuck
You’re at loggerheads between his anger and your potential depression over being “stuck.”
Get counselling on your own to regain confidence in your decisions and determination about what’s best for your child.
It’ll help you rise above his stonewalling and get clearer ideas, such as seeking court-ordered mediation he can’t refuse.
A clear, proactive meeting with your lawyer is needed. Regarding the woman who’s boyfriend didn’t confide his friend’s “secret wedding” to her (Nov 17): Decades ago, my husband’s brother invited him to lunch. I was told, “My brother wants me to consider working for him” though they were in totally unrelated fields.
Years later, my brother-in-law casually said: “Well, you knew all about how my marriage ended.”
I then learned the luncheon had really been about my BIL’s crumbling marriage — a secret I was not to know. EVERYONE ELSE in the family knew. Later, my BIL would only speak to me, not my husband, who didn’t offer the verbal support his brother needed.
This is but one example of living with a closed-up, non-verbal introvert which has caused great stress throughout my marriage. Finding out about business trips with women, only afterwards, and countless other lies and deceits has taken its toll. I buried my dreams of being first in his life. But it still hurts today. Your writer’s a young woman with years ahead to find someone who’ll put her first and consider her feelings. I agree with her that she should move on now. I say, hold tight to a high expectation of what you require in a relationship.
Focus on your well-being, within a healthy relationship!
Your view is understandable, coming after a history of deceptions, lies, and lack of support.
However, many other readers responded differently, believing that the writer’s boyfriend owed his promise of secrecy to his close friends.
She’d written that because she didn’t trust him anymore, she’d leave him.
I now see this as typical of those unexpected hard events that crop up in any relationship, and can create turning points.
That young woman had the choice to explain in a deeper way what being left out meant to both of them and their relationship.
He could then have said why the secret was so important, but that he wouldn’t withhold information from her again.
Those kinds of conversations aren’t just counselling ideals.
They’re real efforts, sometimes painful but determined, to deepen the understanding and connection between a couple.
Sure, there may be initial tears and defensive reactions.
But for those couples who then take a mature second-look at why they’re together and what they can be for each other, the future is open and positive. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday.