STARS SEND THEIR SEASON’S GREETINGS
Did you get your holiday card from Hollywood’s biggest A-listers? Oh. It must have gotten lost in the mail (side eye).
From: Kim Kardashian
Hey you guys, So . . . about 2016 — WTF? Everything was going so well: I added so many new twerking Kims to my Kimoji app, posed tastefully nude behind some high-class coats for GQ, and even single-handedly turned the world against Taylor Swift. But then the year took a turn for the worse, and I am not talking about losing the Teen Choice Award for Choice Selfie Taker to Ariana Grande, but also that. I am, of course, talking about being robbed during Paris Fashion Week. And about Kanye’s psychiatric emergency. And about Kanye meeting with Donald Trump to apparently discuss “life,” which I assume means strippers. It seems that our lives have turned into nothing but twists and turns, high-stakes drama and impossible glamour. That’s why this holiday season we are asking for your prayers, your Instagram likes and your purchases in the Kim Kardashian West Official App. God knows we need them now more than ever. Kim This message was sent from a buttcheek operated iPhone Glutes+.
From: Jennifer Garner
To my fans, the Jen-try, Well, it’s been an interesting year for the Garner-Afflecks. Violet met the cast of Harry Potter and
the Cursed Child! Wow! Seraphina has escaped into a rich and complex fantasy life with her dolls which, being storytellers ourselves, Ben and I completely encourage. Samuel is learning to ride a bike. And Ben lives in the woodshed! As for me, my career continues to be tremendously satisfying. I actually starred opposite Kevin. Spacey. Like, OMG. He may have just been the voice of a cat for most of the movie, but to star opposite a cat voiced by Kevin Spacey was truly a career milestone. In closing, I would like to wish you a holiday season that is as magical and unrestrained by the laws of science as my movie Miracles From Heaven. Jen
From: Kensington Palace
A Jolly Statement by the Communications Secretary to Prince Harry, Christmas Division Since he was young, Prince Harry has taken a festive approach to the holidays, despite the media’s Santaesque surveillance. Before either a national newspaper or a Pinocchio-ized Elf on the Shelf can report otherwise, he would like to confirm that he does, indeed, wish a Merry Christmas to his friends and loved ones, inclusive of Ms. Meghan Markle. Ms. Markle has been instructed that she will be shopping for the Prince’s sister-in-law Kate Middleton in the palace’s Secret Santa exchange and is aware that a gift from her Reitmans line will not be considered a suitable contribution to the royal family’s yule. Certified by Kensington Palace
From: Taylor Swift
Well, I had my heart broken this year. Twice. As I said when I read Fifty
Shades Darker, it’s a narrative I would like to be excused from. Another narrative that I am delighted to participate in though: exacting retribution. When you least expect it, you will hear it, playing in the background at Whole Foods when you’re buying your organic kale: the catchiest, most damning breakup anthem you have ever heard. Think “Uptown Funk” crossed with “You Oughta Know.” It could be released anytime, on any platform. In fact, it could even be a Christmas song. For, like Rudolph, I know what it is to be denied. To sleep alone. Taylor
From: Drake
Not again! Not again! We be texting back and forth like it’s Pong, girl. Tired putting all this love into a song, girl. Need to write it down in a letter for ya. Like Canada Post is at the door for ya. Got me thinking ’bout that night we left Lake Shore. With my friends, real like the Canadian Superstore. You didn’t wanna hang with me and my brahs. But I’m a big enough man to wish you Happy Hanukkah. OVO