My friend and I are obsessing over a guy she likes

Three years ago, my friend got a crush on a guy. She asked me to contact him on Facebook for her, through her account.

It was fun. I helped her and they became “friends.” Whenever she got stuck during their conversation, I filled in for her. She confessed her crush but he said he only sees her as a friend.

However, she and I are obsessing over him. It makes sense for her because she likes him. But why do I keep obsessing over him though I don’t have personal feelings for him? I just want him and my friend to be together.

I think she and I desperately need help. I often see this man in my dreams. Also, we lost several of our friends because they were fed up that all we talk about is him. Ridiculous Obsession

Romantic obsessions usually happen when “dreamers” are otherwise bored with life. But eventually, they move on.

Your shared obsession makes it easier to confuse fantasy with reality. You can plot scenarios and pump each other up with false hopes.

The more you rely on this obsession, the less likely you’ll remain close friends. Call it off. Tell her it’s unhealthy to keep dealing in disappointment, phoney distraction and losing other friends.

This FB “friend” may even turn on your pal (and you as her alter ego) if he begins to feel harassed.

Get busy with everything else in your life. See those other friends.

Our older daughter was defiant as a teenager and difficult to discipline. Neither my wife nor I had good role models, so there was a lot of strife. Now, her sister (nine years younger) is mostly respectful and courteous and we’re more relaxed. They’re both in their 20s now. We’ve apologized to our eldest but she’s easily upset when she comes home to visit. She says her sister gets more (true), but we were also generous with her.

And we still give her gifts like furniture, paying for continuing education, etc.

We see how it must be difficult because there’s peace in the home now that she’s moved away.

We take responsibility for our part but she’s consistently looking for unfairness.

She used to verbally berate us (we did the same to her when she was a teen) but we’ve drawn the line on that.

Since we’ve changed our behaviour and asked her forgiveness, we feel it’s her decision whether to visit us. There was no physical abuse but there were times when we were too harsh and unkind to her.

Is there anything we can do/say now to relieve her feelings toward us so she can enjoy her life on her terms? Unforgiven

It’s good that you’ve apologized and also set limits on her verbal abuse of you.

If this came from counselling, which you already sought, that was a wise move. But you’re still parents who need more counselling help.

Despite your past difficulties, your daughter’s teenage years were harder on her, because she was the child.

Now, she’s an adult who sees that you could’ve learned to do better (as you’ve learned for her sister).

Let her know that you’re seeking further help, that you care deeply about her, and want her to have a happy life with this trauma behind her. Say that, when/if she’s ready, you’d also go with her for family counselling or pay for her to see a therapist for herself.

She needs the internal peace that she now sees existing in your home.

Tip of the day Feeding an obsession can become unhealthy instead of fun. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.