Competitive friend makes snide remarks

I’ve been friends with a woman for several years and lately her messages have gotten on my nerves. She makes snide remarks about parts of my personal life that don’t concern her. Yet when I comment about her life, she has a little nasty way of “putting me in my place.”

I’m wondering if I should continue my friendship with her after her latest remarks about my relationship with my fiancé of three years.

I often wonder if she’s simply jealous of me, as she has no man, no real job (at 50, she’s still struggling to become a known actress), lives with her sister (I have my own place) and has no car (I do). I also have a production company.

I’m tired of her negativity and believe that her attitude is one reason she’s never made it in the film industry, and can’t land a job in the field of her education.

I usually ignore her disparaging comments, but should I? Critical Friend

Whatever it might’ve been at the start, this is no friendship now. It’s more of a “Who’s winning?” contest and you’re both playing that negative game.

Given your own attitude about how she’s lagging behind you in achievements, she’s as unlikely as you are to feel encouraged by being friends. Next time she offers a disparaging remark, just say you feel it’s time that you both agree to disagree about each other’s personal choices.

Then gently distance by not responding to some of her messages. I’m sure she’ll do the same.

Feedback regarding a writer’s “Nasty Neighbours” (Dec. 19): Reader: Years ago, when my husband and I bought our first home, our neighbours turned out to be very scary.

All the red flags were there, if only we weren’t so young and naive. Over time we learned that this couple had a vicious side. But we continued to try and be friends with them. When street parking became an issue, things went downhill fast. We decided to move away but it had already turned very ugly.

One day, as I was cleaning our basement windows next to our neighbours’ driveway, my neighbour attacked me. The only way I got her off me was by pleading that I was just two months pregnant. I was OK, as was our unborn baby, but I was left very shaken.

We called the police, but there were no witnesses and then things progressed from bad to worse.

I can still see my neighbour’s husband screaming and smashing a metal bat against our fence with our 3-year-old son crying from the living-room window.

I’ve never witnessed such scary violent behaviour in my life before or since.

My advice: Be wise in staying far away. If the writer’s neighbours can curse for no apparent reason, the situation could turn for the worse quite easily.

Extending a hand is not the right approach in this situation.

We have to protect ourselves and learn to trust our instinct. I wish I had done this.

Yet, I stupidly ventured too close and could’ve ended up seriously hurt or worse, lost our baby.

Don’t look at them, keep your distance, if you see them cross the street, go the other direction if necessary, keep your curtains closed.

Avoidance is key. If all else fails and this is eating at you and the happy life you deserve, then it’s time to move. Best decision we ever made and we should’ve done it sooner.

Whatever it might’ve been at the start, this is no friendship now. It’s more of a “Who’s winning?” contest and you’re both playing

Tip of the day Messages of criticism and snide remarks are about jealousy and competition, not friendship. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.