The Art of the perfect guest list
If the conversation is flat, it doesn’t matter how fluffy the soufflé: Your dinner party will be a bust.
I’m going to walk you through exactly who to invite — and how to get them to the table.
Make your list — and check it twice
Think about the vibe you want and invite a group of people who share something in common besides you, the host.
Perhaps you all worked on a project together (like our dinner party), or there is a cause for celebration that warrants a get together.
If your best friend is on the shy quiet side, invite a few outgoing people to keep the conversation lively.
Mixing friend groups can be a blast, but will require the attentive host to ensure the conversation moves along.
One of the easiest ways to help people gel is to point out things they share in common, then watch a new friendship take shape.
If you plan to talk about work — celebrating the end of a project or a colleague’s promotion, imagine how nonwork guests might feel. Most likely, they’ll be bored by all the shop talk.
If you’re planning to focus the night’s celebrations on a work event or certain topic, keep the guest list to those directly involved.
If you are planning a dinner with all of your oldest and your best friends, make sure the new buddies don’t feel left out from all the “remember whens” by helping steer the conversation to less colicky topics that everyone can participate in.
If you are inviting mostly couples, the two singles invited might feel like they are in the middle of a poorly hidden matchmaking setup.
Help balance the conservation, try suggesting some seated spots that don’t have couples only facing each other.
You also help break up the conversation, in a good way. Be consistent. If you are inviting couples make sure everyone with a partner knows they can bring their other half.
You want to avoid any unnecessary awkwardness and don’t want any guests to feel left out.
So no picking favourites based on who’s a bore. How many guests? A table for six, please. Or 12 There’s no magic number for the proper size of your dinner party. It will probably depend on the number of chairs you have. Six is cosy, eight is a full house and 12 will feel like an occasion.
Think about the size of your table, how much elbow room there is and the number of wine glasses in your cupboard.
You may also want to consider how many people can talk at the same time before your downstairs neighbour bangs on the ceiling.
Once you’ve landed on the number, it’s time to invite your guests.
Pick your delivery method
The invitation sets the tone for your party. A gilded, embossed invite in the mail suggests a different night is in store than say an error-laden text message sent by phone.
If you are hosting a formal affair, follow the old school method with printed invitations that you send via post.
Or for a fun air of fancy (and a bit airier on the wallet), use a metallic pen to write a short note on white cardstock and pop the invite in the mail.
If you want everyone to dress for the occasion, set the tone in an email or e-vite.
If all your guests are on your phone and your demands on them are attendance only, a quick message with the bare details will suffice.
I favour the underrated phone call. In this day and age, it feels personal, special and allows for context.
Regardless of the medium, your words should reflect exactly what you mean, so there’s no room for confusion. “Come for 7 p.m., just bring yourself, you’ll finally meet so-and-so who I told you about.”
Don’t be vague. If your dinner is just for women, say so.
If you do not want children to attend, let the parents know it’s an adults-only dinner.
When you’re dealing with couples, make it clear you want them both to come by sending the invite to each of their email addresses or addressing the envelope to both of them. This will also eliminate any awkward forgetfulness within the couple.
Confirm attendance
Invite your guests about two weeks before your dinner party. If you haven’t heard back in about three days, contact them to see if they can make it.
Asking for a formal RSVP makes it feel just that — formal. It isn’t wrong. Just know the vibe that it gives and commit to it.
If you plan to test drive new cocktails and you know your guests will enjoy the sampling, suggest they leave the kids with a sitter and their cars at home. Safety first.
What we did
Our goal was to test drive the night and share it with you. So the invites were informal work emails — five dinner party specialists and one editor. With two place settings still open, two last minute invites — to nonwork related guests — went out to complete the 8 person table setting. Etiquette expert Karen Cleveland answers your questions about life online. Email her your questions: