The seven Ls of good conversation
Keep your table from falling into awkward silence between courses
Avoid politics or religion at the dinner table, it used to be said.
How dull. The recent U.S. election provided months of lively conversation for me and my meal guests as I reviewed restaurants for the Toronto Star during the campaign.
You, understandably, may not want to go there for your next dinner party. It’s safer to stick to topics such as crazy Toronto real-estate prices, frustrating Toronto traffic snarls and good ol’ celebrity gossip.
As the Star’s restaurant critic, I entertain designated eaters. That means holding up my end of a two-hour conversation. I’m told I do it well. Whatever the topic, hosts and guests can foster stimulating and engaging discussion with the following tips. Loosen up Never ask strangers what they do or how they know the host. Those facts will come out eventually. Break the ice instead by asking, “How did you get here?” The answer will likely be a good story given our transportation issues.
Some hosts coax shy guests with an icebreaker; they ask everyone in turn to share a phobia or their dream vacation. In a one-on-one format, I’ve found that sincere compliments tend to draw people out. So do open-ended questions. People love talking about themselves. Localize Once settled, focus your conversation on those immediately beside you. This prevents distracting crosstalk and keeps the room’s volume manageable.
Think of young Princess Elizabeth in Netflix’s The Crown, being taught by her governess to speak to the person on her right for the entire first course then switch to the person on her left for the next. By the time she sets off to her first state dinner, it’s old hat. (Or antique tiara, really.)
Should you be stuck beside a dud, take brief breaks from the table by offering to clear the dishes. Laugh A blithe spirit makes the evening more fun. At the Star’s dinner party, we found the humour in pet Instagrams, personaltraining confessions and past mishaps when opening bottles of wine.
It wasn’t the Algonquin Round Table, but we had a few good laughs.
Star food writer Karon Liu said before our dinner that he’d challenge our etiquette expert, Karen Cleveland, by bringing up people’s salaries (thankfully, he was joking). Listen Nobody likes a blowhard, so stop talking and start listening. Actively attend your conversational partners. Smile. Nod. Keep an open mind.
And if you hear something you find weird or uncomfortable or boring, just do as Charles MacPherson does.
As Charles the Butler — an etiquette expert and author of The Butler Speaks — MacPherson is an expert at face-saving solutions.
“You say, ‘That’s really interesting,’ and change the subject,” MacPherson told the Star. “You can agree to disagree.” Limit What you think is sparkling repartee could actually be drunken rambling. Know when to stop imbibing.
Not that I recommend teetotalling (except for designated drivers). A drink or two helps calm the nerves.
“If you’re a grown-up, I don’t think you have to act like, ‘Oh, no, no, no, none for me’ . . . You should just be yourself, but not act like a jack--s,” actress Megan Mul- lally recently advised about making a good impression over dinner. Lead Take the lead and propose a friendly story competition. (But not involving shots of alcohol, as above.)
Worst Travel Tale or Most Embarrassing High School Moment would do the trick. So would Biggest Parenting Fail.
Even sad tales, well told, can be suitable dinner-party fodder.
Think of the scene in Notting Hill when the guests take turns going around the table competing for the remaining brownie.
The winner gets bragging rights. Or the last brownie. Learn If all else fails, take a page from the Kennedy family playbook: Turn to current events.
“Do you know that every night at dinner, the Kennedy clan would sit around the table having lively debates about everything under the sun? They would quiz each other about current events, historical facts, intellectual trivia,” Emily Gilmore marvels in Gilmore Girls.
I did squirrel away a few topics should the Star dinner party grow awkwardly silent, but our conversation was seamless.