DIGITAL DETOX
Growing number of social media users discovering the power of shutting down,
When Scarborough songwriter Natasha Valencia lost her phone three times in one day — at a coffee shop, in her car and under a pillow — she wasn’t bothered.
In fact she felt more “in control” that Sunday in December.
When her boyfriend found her iPhone 5S and offered it back to her, she didn’t want it.
“I felt a little freer to go about my day not attached to anything, not feeling like I needed a device to get through the day,” she says.
So Valencia decided to make going phone-free a Sunday habit.
Her accidental digital detox is now deliberate.
Every Saturday night, instead of charging the phone at her bedside, she leaves it on silent mode in a drawer of her apothecary table until Monday morning.
“Out of sight out of mind,” she says. “I’ve noticed my thoughts are clearer on those days (without my phone).”
The products of the digital age — smartphones and laptops and tomorrow’s innovations — are increasingly met with trepidation as the “dark side” to these devices are exposed, says technology analyst Carmi Levy.
Bad poetry. Mix CDs. Postcards from Sedona, Ariz. Postcards from Berlin. A freezer-burnt wrist corsage. Tiki mugs. An electric can opener.
These are a few of my favourite things that old boyfriends have given me over the years. I still have most of these objects. (The electric can opener did not survive a particularly stressful move, not unlike the relationship itself ).
Call me sentimental, but I just can’t seem to part with the material reminders of people I used to love. Just because a relationship is over doesn’t invalidate all of time we spent together and the memories we shared.
Not everyone wants to hang onto souvenirs from ex-partners, especially if the breakup is a fresh one. Everyday objects can be extremely painful reminders of a difficult time.
“It’s difficult to throw away or give away objects that have a lot of sentimental value,” says Alexis Hyde, director of the Museum of Broken Relationships in Los Angeles, which takes in anonymously donated post-breakup memorabilia.
“There is no ritual that we have yet that can honour a relationship adequately. No funeral, if you will. This is a place that you can lay it to rest, along with other stories from all over the world, and know that the relationship had merit.”
It’s interesting that Hyde mentions funerals. The end of a relationship often feels like the death of something — future plans, a parallel life in which you were going to be with this person for the long haul and, above all else, the death of a friendship (in most cases). So it makes sense that we ritualize our grief in the face of such endings.
“People grieve differently depending on their circumstances, history of loss and perceived control over the breakup,” Toronto psychologist Julie Goldenson says. “Some find relief in a purge (and burn), while more nostalgic folks might take comfort in keeping mementos. It depends on why you’re keeping it — does it feel triggering or is there some sense of comfort in knowing it’s there and a part of your past to revisit fondly when you are old?
“Take an inventory of the health of your choices. If you can’t decide — there’s always storage. Honour yourself.”
One of the most emotionally loaded objects one could ever acquire from an ex-partner is an engagement ring. One Toronto woman off-loaded hers through Bunz Trading Zone, an online trading post of sorts on Facebook.
“Princess cut diamond engagement ring,” read the ad on Bunz. “Will get it appraised, supposedly valued at $7500. (In search of a) MOTORCYCLE!!! Trust me, after what I’ve been through I deserve 10 motorcycles. But will accept one even of much lesser value!”
The poster apparently landed herself a motorcycle, ditching the ring (and the guy, we hope) for good. How’s that for riding off into the sunset?
A dear friend of mine sold her engagement ring when her relationship ended and treated herself to a romantic solo getaway in her favourite city — Paris.
The trip was beautiful. She’ll tell you it was one of the best of her life.
Sometimes we have to let go of the past in order to create new happy memories. Sofi Papamarko is the founder of Friend of a Friend Matchmaking. Reach her at facebook.com/sofipapamarko