Readers weigh in on father considering leaving young sons

Part two of responses to the father who’s considering leaving his three young sons to live across the country with a woman who has three young daughters (Jan. 26). Reader 1: “I think your advice lacked the moral clarity and fortitude that’s required in this situation. This man owes it to his children to be there for them as much as he can, not just pop in every few months with presents.

“Very nice for him that he found a new love, but his children should be his priority until they’re adults, when he’s free to do and be with anyone he wants.

“Most things in life are a shade of grey. Not this one.”

Ellie: I appreciate your view and the opportunity you’ve provided for me to share with readers some of the thinking that goes into my answers.

I believe this man senses that the move’s a mistake. Why else would he write to me? He already knows which of his friends he can count on to say, “Follow your heart,” and he knows which relatives and other friends will say he has no right to leave his own children.

So I chose a different approach, asking: what’s the rush? He should visit this woman — not move — and discover her expectations: how often he’ll be able to get back to his own kids and the time, costs and emotions involved.

I recommended counselling to probe his motivation, since he’s acting on passion and impulse, yet already recognizes he needs guidance. He should ask the therapist the likely impact of his decision on his kids’ lives. He needs to find his own moral clarity, not just be told what to do. I also knew that readers would present others’ experiences and what attitudes he’ll face. Reader 2: “My parents divorced a year after I married in my early 20s. My younger brother still lived at home. Dad left mom for ‘the love of his life’ and began a new family. My brother and I were expected to understand.

“Still, 35 years later, the impact of the perceived rejection by him is still there, although Dad doesn’t see it. He never has, he just followed his heart. Dad’s on wife No. 4 now. Kids are forever. It’s the ultimate in selfishness to create them and then dump them when something better comes along. What you do will forever impact your relationship with them, even when the ‘woman of your dreams’ is no longer around. At one time, your ex was the love of your life with whom you produced three beautiful kids. Ask yourself if you are willing to risk the love, respect, selfesteem and good times you could have together with your children for the rest of your life? Is it fair to do this to them?” Reader 3: “I wanted to say how professional and helpful your advice was to “Torn.” I do wonder if that man realizes that if he moves across country to raise someone else’s three girls, that his own boys will, at their young age, quickly be calling someone else dad? Is he afraid of taking true responsibility for raising his children and how they turn out? And how could he know he’s met the love of his life? “I can’t understand how someone could abandon their own children to raise someone else’s.”