And now, live from the BBC: Sheer mayhem
Professor’s Skype interview goes sideways thanks to his kids
Oh dear God, no.
This is my first thought as the office door swings open and a peppy toddler in a canary-yellow sweater enters the video. It’s Friday morning and Robert E. Kelly, a professor at Pusan National University in South Korea, is doing a Skype interview with the BBC about the geopolitical ramifications of the country’s impeachment scandal.
“And what will it mean for the wider region?” asks the anchor.
This is quickly followed by something you never hear during foreign policy confabs on cable: “I think one of your children has just walked in.”
Walked in? No, this blessed child has pranced in: shoulders bouncing, head bopping, arms swinging. The only way the entrance could be grander is if it were heralded with confetti and a triumphant bugle.
The adorable child approaches Professor Dad and stares into the camera, as if expecting to see Dora the Explorer. Professor Dad, rattled and mortified, extends his left arm, like he’s trying to keep a farm animal from escaping the barn.
The crestfallen look in his eyes is achingly familiar to anyone who has ever worked from home with small children. It is the look of two worlds colliding, the look of the professional and the personal crashing at the worst possible time. It is the look of horror. The anchor tries to stay focused on South Korea: “I mean, shifting sands in the region, do you think relations with the North may change?” Oh dear God, no. There is now a second child in the video. A kamikaze baby in a rolling chair lurches toward Professor Dad as uncontrollable laughter fills the anchor’s studio.
The first child, now gnawing on a snack stick, plops against a table, causing books to crash down. A woman — either the mother or a nanny who may be searching for a new job this weekend — rushes in for Operation Get The Kids Out Of Here!
“Pardon me,” says Professor Dad. “My apologies.”
The woman grabs the first child by the arm while reversing the trajectory of the bouncy chair. The physical laws of the universe are no match for human desperation when kids breach workspaces. The scene is pure chaos. This is supposed to be an interview about South Korea and it’s like watching a chess match that is halted because someone is juggling blowtorches on the board.
The video, which went viral on Friday, lasts about 45 seconds. But the trauma will endure for anyone who works from home. It was a darkly hilarious reminder about the snafus that are omnipresent when our kids infiltrate our jobs.
This is true even outside a domestic setting.
Last weekend, a weather report on a Mississippi TV station was hijacked by a boy in a striped shirt who ran toward meteorologist Patrick Ellis.
“Well, hey there,” said Ellis, standing before his giant map with a disoriented, frozen smile, like he was on a hiking trail and a unicorn suddenly appeared.
“I don’t know what’s going on,” said the child, as if reading Ellis’s mind. “Are you sure? ARE YOU CRAZY SURE?”
“Well, we’ve got a little bit of interesting things going on right now,” said Ellis, his syntax on the fritz as the kid flapped his arms, jumped, squawked and swirled around to assault the grown-up with flatulence.
“You want to point out the weather right now?” asked Ellis, trying to finish the forecast even if this meant abdicating his meteorological duties to a grade-schooler.
“Yeah, there are farts everywhere and toots!” screamed the boy, before he was grabbed by another employee and removed from the live shot.
I fear we’ll see more of this as the once-distinct spheres of home and work merge and companies and employees embrace the concept of “greater flexibility.” I’ve toiled in my home office for years, which is why my resting face is now “maladjusted slob.”
So here is my advice for new parents working from home; Five Simple Rules to stay hassle-free during business hours: 1. Schedule calls around napping routines. 2. Never let your kids in the office, even when you’re not working. Lie if you must. Tell them a monster lives under the desk. 3. If your kids are old enough to understand language, warn them when it’s time to be very, very good and very, very quiet.
Tell them any disturbances might result in you getting fired. No more toys! No more food! No more shelter! 4. Set up a coded system with the daytime caregiver: “When I clap twice, nobody is allowed within 30 feet of the office. If I stomp on the floor, vacate the house immediately! Don’t ask questions! Just get the hell out!” 5. Invest in a good-quality lock.
These are lessons Professor Dad learned the hard way on live televi- sion.
And as a multi-part Bonus No. 6, for when kid-truders show up unannounced at your real office: a) Be polite, b) Don’t freeze like the meteorologist, c) Maintain control, d) Stay focused and, e) Enjoy the short break from the usual grind. vmenon@thestar.ca