Women who won’t chip in are not for me

I’m a male, 50s, who’s dated women on and off for decades.

I’ve always offered to pay for dates, regardless of who had the larger income. But when my date offers to pay, split the tab, or contribute to the date (cabs, parking, etc.), I value the gesture even if I insisted on paying. However, many men say that “they” are out there — i.e. women who never intend paying or contributing in any way at any time because of being females. Some men may not care, but I feel “they” are not for me. I’m more attracted to a woman with a more independent spirit of equality and less sexist. How many dates should I give someone to prove she’s not one of “them”? Generous to a Point

Your question is both personal and political. On both those approaches, I’m skeptical about generalities regarding individual relationships.

I appreciate that you see yourself as generous and fair. Nevertheless, a woman OR a man can be independent-minded and have a spirit of equality, yet also accept at face value the offer of being “treated” on a date.

However, when is a date part of a developing relationship?

If you’ve been together over half a dozen times, you’ve hopefully shown enough interest to ask some questions.

You’d know, for example, if she’s a working single mom with a lot less income than you have.

That’s financial inequality, even if she strongly believes in equal pay for equal work. Do you still want her to offer to pay the cab driver?

What’s “sexist” to me is accepting that a whole group of unconnected women can be labelled “they” — by anyone.

If you offer to pay for the date, you’re likely to get the bill. If you want to probe a particular date’s attitudes, do so.

And if you feel she’s taking advantage of you, don’t keep testing her. Just stop dating her.

We both came from dysfunctional families and married young. We had a difficult time with addiction issues, but entered recovery and counselling to have a healthy life for ourselves and our children.

When he was still drinking, I discovered my husband was having an affair. He said he loved me and wanted to save our marriage. We worked hard together and have had many happy years.

Twenty-five years later, I’ve discovered that he also had three other affairs back then. He never confessed to them during our counselling or talks.

When confronted recently, he was open, honest and feels terrible that he hurt me again . . . he swears he’s been faithful since being in recovery.

The old pain never ever truly went away. But I’d tell myself that was in the past.

I’ve lost my trust in him again. I love him, but I’m so hurt by the betrayal and humiliation.

I want to leave, but am entering retirement years. How would I explain to my adult children after 40 years that I decided to leave? Desperate and Heartbroken

Alcoholism is a terrible disease. It steals loyalty and trust from relationships.

But that was in the past. You already know that he worked hard with you to save the marriage, resulting in many happy years. He says he loves you.

This pain is triggered by the past, but isn’t a reoccurrence of betrayal.

Go back to counselling together (that’s not unusual) and refresh the commitment you made the first time.

There’s new understanding and therapy approaches to past trauma that will benefit you both.

Tip of the day Don’t test your dates. If you have questions about their attitudes, ask. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.