Nancy thought the date was good, but was it in the bag?
She let down her guard when she went out with Todd
Nancy is a 41-year-old communications consultant who lives in the east end. She says “I’m a vivacious, happy, friendly person. I’ve lost a lot of weight and work hard to look fabulous every day. I want people to remember me.” Nancy is “loyal, committed and family-oriented.” She likes to dance, paint, work out, go on road trips and “do anything by or on the water — it makes my soul peaceful.” She says she wants to be with someone who is “loyal, friendly, happy but not over the top, and financially secure” and who will “look me in the eyes and ask me questions.” She says, “Right now I have no real dating life. I go online, but I never follow through.”
Todd’s profile picture was good. I got the sense that it represented what he actually looked like. He was the right age, and we had similar likes and interests. He messaged me first and wanted to meet right away. I shot him down. I like to text and chat for at least a few days before I meet someone. I get a feel for their sense of humour, respect level and the basics of their personality.
Todd said all the right things during those first conversations. He made me feel special. He shared that he was serious about finding a lasting relationship, and also that he wanted to work for something that was worth the effort. He said he understood that I wanted to chat first, but he also kept pushing to meet. With butterflies in my stomach, I finally texted him that we could meet for dinner.
We met at one of those big-boxstyle places. Todd was nice and smiled a lot. I felt there was a chance we could click. We talked about families and work, the usual topics on a first date. The conversation was light, and I liked his sense of humour. It was a very comfortable vibe — so far. I thought this guy might be OK.
I excused myself to pop to the washroom, and I didn’t even ask a waitress to watch my drink. When I exited the washroom, I saw something on our table: a gift bag. My first thought was “how sweet.” He bought me a gift before our first date!
It is really important here to note that during our days of texting to get to know each other, there were never any sexual discussions or sexual references. I smiled at Todd and looked at the bag. Then I noticed it was from a lingerie store. My eyes went dark, my guard went up and my mood changed completely. I was suddenly on high alert.
I asked Todd what this was for, and his answer will forever stay with me: “I kind of hoped you’d go put it on.”
Now I was worried. I looked in the bag. At the bottom, amid some tissue paper, was something silky. I am sure my face showed the utter shock I felt, but Todd continued to smile.
I took a deep breath, and looked around to see if anyone was looking, and saw how shocked and embarrassed I was. Todd was still talking; I was being polite with my answers, but no longer friendly. I couldn’t meet his eyes for fear he would think this was OK.
I decided that I had it in me to just leave. I smiled and got up and told him that I wasn’t interested in things becoming sexual so soon. I told him that not all online daters want to jump into bed right away. I told him that I have self-respect. I can still hear myself saying those words and thinking how small and quiet they sounded. He responded not by apologizing, but by making light of it. He even mentioned, as if it were relevant in this situation, that some women will go to any length not to be alone.
I was out of there. Todd wasn’t at dinner with me to potentially start a relationship. I grabbed my coat and purse, and as I walked out of the restaurant I let out a laugh that I am sure everyone in the city heard. I felt so empowered as I walked away, but I was definitely upset. If I didn’t laugh, I would cry. I was crushed. Gutted.
I got to my car in the parking lot and just sat there for a few minutes going over the events of the evening. Did I provoke that? Did I ever send a signal? Why would he think it was OK to give me that kind of “gift”? Why would he think I would want that? I came to the conclusion that no matter how much I tried to dissect it, I would never get an answer. I was angry at myself, also, for not vetting him more. I knew better, but I let him slip through.
Nancy rates her date (out of 10): 2 Want to be a dating diarist? Email datingdiariescontact@gmail.com.