> OFF THE RACK

US

Cover: Stalkers’ delight! Prince Harry is expected to make several visits to Toronto this year while his girlfriend Meghan Markle films her series Suits. So if you see an attractive, familiarlooking couple sharing a romantic evening at the Imperial Pub, accompanied by six guys who look like Jason Statham with earpieces … watch your mouth, eh wot? Bat’s all, folks: Weary of the drama, US declares the Ben Affleck-Jen Garner marriage kaput with the headline “DIVORCING AT LAST.” Yes, it’s been such a huge inconvenience for the rest of us — or at least those who figure that, custody or no custody, Affleck might be in the market for another naughty nanny.

LIFE & STYLE

Cover: Hold a wake for Gwake: Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton are a couple no more. Blake has been ignoring her — like every other music fan has been doing — and she apparently laments the lack of diversity on her visits to Oklahoma. (Translation: the surfing is terrible.) Baby got payback: Kim Kardashian is irked that Beyoncé has more followers on Instagram and wants to surpass her without, y’know, creativity. So she wants to create a foundation for victims of crime to outdo Beyoncé’s created for Katrina survivors, leaving me to wonder how many existing charitable groups were founded in envy and bitterness. This probably is how the Red Cross got started. That’s a rap: Drake is apparently dating a 23-year-old DJ, Coco Robert; if you like Drake’s music, the good news is you can pretty much write the sad ending right now.

IN TOUCH

Cover: Brad Pitt has revenge-cast his old ex Jennifer Aniston to co-star with him in Ad Astra, in the role once meant for his fresh ex, Angelina Jolie. At least no one is starting a foundation. New Jenneration: Kylie Jenner is getting a spinoff series, Life of Kylie, in a bid to escape the sinking ship Keeping Up With the Kardashians. We are told not to expect much of her exboyfriend/lingering parasite Tyga, but as with gonorrhea, it’s naive to think he’s gone for good.