Sorry if this bugs you, but it’s about etiquette again
A defining trait of Toronto manners, according to the new book Toronto Public Etiquette Guide I wrote about recently, is “avoidance of speaking to strangers.”
On Twitter, Deirdre McCluskey, expressed her surprise at encountering this in the field: “Just moved here and this is what I want explained: why do I get ignored when I greet my condo neighbours in the elevator?” she wrote. “In my sock feet in the hallway after taking out the garbage and smile at someone: get a stone-faced stare! Ugh.”
We can tell ourselves this is just a necessary attitude in the big city: It’s so crowded everywhere that if we interacted with every stranger, we’d never have a moment’s peace. Yet it isn’t the case in all big cities, as Katie Harris noticed upon moving to Boston from Toronto.
“When I first arrived in Boston, I was truly alarmed by how easily strangers would speak to me on public transit. Reading a book on my daily subway ride, I would often be asked what I was read- ing by the person sitting next to me. This happened frequently enough that I had a fake answer (‘Wuthering Heights’), which I hoped would discourage further discussion,” she writes.
“Despite being not just an introvert but a Toronto introvert (used to a comfortable lack of eye contact and other human engagement while out in public), I did eventually get used to the more outgoing nature of Bostonians.”
She even recently offered some strangers in downtown Toronto directions, unsolicited.
I asked for advice in my previous column — and people were extremely ready to offer it
“Their collective look of alarm reminded me that I was breaching Toronto etiquette — don’t make eye contact, don’t talk to strangers, but be ready with extremely polite advice if asked.”
Just so. I asked for advice in my previous column — local etiquette tips, observations about customs, lists of rules — and people were extremely ready to offer it.
No adult bike riding on sidewalks, people agreed. No clipping your nails on public transit, several sadly felt the need to point out. Give a wave when someone lets your car in during crowded traffic conditions, I hear a lot. Several people mentioned that a group of people walking together on the sidewalk should walk single file (on the right, of course) to let those coming the other way pass. And hold the door open for the person behind you — in crowded spaces downtown, just push it open wide enough that they can catch it and hold it for the person behind them.
All good lessons — and most of them covered in the book (though not discussed in my earlier column).
A few people also wanted to point out the too-little-understood etiquette of grocery checkout lines. “You happen to be in a long line, another checkout counter opens up, the cashier calls ‘next in line please,’ and what happens?” a reader named Jean writes. “The last person jumps to the new checkout. Grrrrr. This can be easily solved and sometimes is by having the cashier go to the middle of the long line and asking that person and others to follow. However one would think this was obvious without being led.”
In the earlier column, I mentioned in passing the Toronto custom of standing to the right and walking on the left on escalators. Though I think this remains an expectation many people have, some readers wrote to point out they — and the TTC — now think this is dangerous and counterproductive. “As a mum of a child with a disability who struggles to walk I was disappointed that again someone wrote about escalator rules,” Katharine Harrison wrote, noting the TTC no longer advises doing this. “It’s unsafe to push past someone on an escalator. The old and infirm and disabled may have less balance and fall down the stairs.”
Another reader adds that studies have shown the walk-left, standright custom has been shown in studies to actually allow fewer people to move during busy times, another reason to change the etiquette. (Although some other readers wrote to emphasize the custom — so for now you’ll still get some passive-aggressive dirty looks if you stand on the left.)
The use of smartphones generated more advice, I think, than any other topic. Folks, don’t talk so loud on them, especially on transit. Don’t read or send messages on them when you’re in the middle of conducting a conversation with someone else. Don’t use them while driving your car or bike, even when you’re stopped at a red light (so often a long line of cars is waiting behind you while you sit at the now-green light, still obliviously liking Instagram photos.)
But for pedestrians, one situation in particular was worth attention. “While I think it would be nice if people could look up once in a while when walking along a crowded sidewalk, I’ve given up on that particular battle. But please, everybody, pay attention while you’re using the crosswalk,” Terry Lavender writes. “It’s dangerous enough crossing the street in Toronto, the problem is only compounded when you also have to dodge fellow pedestrians whose eyes are glued to their phones.”
Others pointed out that your phone doesn’t come with a booth like an old-fashioned pay phone, so you’ve got to get out the way of others before you suddenly stop to check your phone on the sidewalk.
There were plenty of others — some more commonly cited rules were to take your backpack off on transit, don’t spit on the ground and don’t throw cigarette butts on the sidewalk — and I’m grateful for all the suggestions I received. I do not have enough space to enumerate them all. However, since I started with a story about the famous Toronto reserve, I figure I’ll end with another.
“Several years ago my son was returning home late in the evening on the subway. Among the passengers were two young characters . . . noisy enough to have drawn attention to themselves,” Anita Dermer writes. “Everybody apparently noticed when one of them took out a gun and the two of them began to fool around with it. Nobody screamed or dived for cover. Nobody tackled them. Nobody pushed the emergency signal. But at the next stop, everyone just got up as one person and left the train.”
She says she was horrified by the incident but “admiring of” the response. However, it reminded her of this city’s changing traditions.
“I did tell him that in my day we would have refused to acknowledge such unseemly behaviour in any way whatsoever. Without a word or a glance at the miscreants we would have continued to our destinations — and if shot, would have made our way to the nearest ER in as dignified a manner and with as little disturbance as possible.” Edward Keenan writes on city issues ekeenan@thestar.ca. Follow: @thekeenanwire